The Big News

Today was a near perfect day for a walk through the local farmer's market. I say near perfect, because it's so stinking warm. With temperatures in the mid to upper nineties, I quickly reach my personal melting point.

I learned today that in spite of my recent weight loss surgery, there has been no affect towards raising my personal thermal threshold. My personal comfort range remains firmly stuck between sixty nine and seventy four degrees.

The big news; my weight is down thirty five pounds as of this morning's trip to the scales.



 

Near Perfect Day

After twelve days of clear liquids, I was looking forward to my first 'full' liquid this morning. It hasn't gone as expected. The brain is willing, but the stomach is upset.

Food aside; it was a huge day. Michelle was able to assemble all eight granddaughters for 'high tea' this afternoon - many, many thanks to Mom & Laura for pulling it all together. Meanwhile, Dad and I took Dublin out to lunch and then to the beach for some serious rock throwing.

Back at the house, we were able to spend several hours with the full contingent of grand babies. How often does that happen?

It was a near perfect day.

Not Today

Today is one of those days that got me into the mess I'm in. Computer problems and a mix-up at corporate that resulted in no direct deposit pay.

I'm the person who never had a problem he couldn't try eating his way out of. Today would have been a banner day, except it wasn't. No appetite. No cravings. No desire to dive into a family sized pizza.

Nothing.

Instead, I gained a little time and mental capacity to work the phones, solve the problem and anticipate a check in Monday's FedEx.

This is working for me.

A Week Already

It was a week ago this afternoon I had weight loss surgery. In hind sight, I knew about ten percent of what to expect.

There was more pain than I expected, although I really should have had that one figured out. The procedure removed eighty five percent of my stomach and I underestimated the pain. Brilliant!

I underestimated the importance of Michelle's role in the process. From thinking straight when I was drugged up, to forcing me out of bed to walk, again & again & again; I could not have done this with out the firm love and compassion of my wife. We've shared every aspect of our lives for twenty years and I didn't have this one figured out. Idiot!

Before committing to weight loss surgery in Mexico, we did a lot of research and soul-searching. I was confident we'd made the right decision, or obviously we wouldn't have gone. The truth is, it was better in every aspect than we expected. From the time we were picked up in San Diego, until Alberto dropped up off back at the airport, the experieince met or exceeded our expectations in every way.

It's hard to belive it's been a week already.

No regrets.

Back to Earth

Surprisingly, for me at least, today was my hardest day since returning from Mexico.

I'm not in great pain and my wounds seem to be healing nicely. However, I've hit the wall. I've had no energy all day. This afternoon I've upped my clear protein intake in hopes of getting more fuel in the engine. I still have no appitite, but I need to keep hydrated.

I'm not complaining. This is the path I choose and I'm going to do everything possible to make it a success.  

A Funny Thing Happened In Mexico

I lost my appetite.

I have not experienced hunger since waking up from surgery Thursday afternoon.

I understand the role of Ghrelin as the hunger hormone. I know the part of my stomach that produces Ghrelin has been removed. I understand in a practical sense what is going on, but I was born hungry and I've been hungry ever since.

I've been through severe diets before, but never without nagging and persistent hunger.This experience is completely new and I like it.

I'm working hard to stay hydrated, taking my meds and drinking the required clear protein. Each day I get a little stronger, although I'll save any serious activity for a week or two. I start strong, but fade fast. The pain is becoming manageable and I'm starting to think forward!

The bottom line: I'm down a total of 27 pounds.

No Regrets

Thursday morning, three forty AM the alarm went off; I’d been awake for hours. My life was about to change, big time!

 

Flight 494 from Seattle to San Diego seemed much longer than the scheduled two hours and twenty minutes. No food. No drink. I sat by the window and stared at the clouds covering southern Washington and Oregon. By the time the clouds cleared around Shasta I no longer cared what was outside. My mind swirled with all I’d learned and knew about the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) procedure, while trying to fill the gaps of the unknown.

 

Outside of Alaska baggage claim we waited for the ‘big blue van’ and Alberto our driver. He was late. I finally called Joanne, my patient facilitator. She explained the delay and gave us a new pick-up time. As we waited in airport air conditioning my mind is again manufacturing all the what-ifs and possible negative scenarios. Not to worry. Alberto arrives exactly when promised and immediately puts me at ease. He is equal parts chauffer, tour guide, comedian and medical assistant. Don’t worry, doctor’s a little shaky, but he steadies himself with his other hand.

 

Alberto expertly guides us through the Mexican boarder crossing. Three pairs of patients and their companions and all the boarder guard wants to know is if the clothes in our bags are new or used. A chorus goes out, used! The guard is satisfied and we’re off.

 

The drive from the boarder to INT Hospital in Tijuana couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes. I expected some sort of check-in process. Instead, we were ushered to our individual rooms where we were instructed to get comfortable and relax. The room was small, clean and appeared well equipped by my untrained eye. There was an upholstered bench with storage under for Michelle to sleep on and a private bath. BeeBee from BeLiteWeight (BLW) joined us to complete paperwork and to layout the expectations. Doctors and staff would start pre-op testing – EEG, blood work – immediately. Was I nervous? A little I lied as bravely as I could.

 

A nurse came in and started a large bore IV in my left arm. I shouldn’t have looked. The needle was huge, but then it was going to be my sole source of liquids and meds for the duration. The surgeon and assisting surgeon came in to see me. Did I have any questions? Was I nervous? Just a little, again I lied. My vitals were checked again and again. The anesthesiologist came in to see me. She was very sweet and compassionate. Did I have any questions? Was I nervous?  Obviously I wasn’t fooling anyone. A nurse came in to give me a ‘little something’ to help me relax.

 

Almost immediately, my world starts to get a little fuzzy. I remember several staff coming into my room and Michelle kissing me. I’m rolling down the hall watching to lights overhead roll by, just like in the movies. Into the operating room and the anesthesiologist leans in and says something; I can’t remember what. I don’t remember anything after that.

 

When I wake up in recovery I’m in a lot of pain. The oxygen mask feels suffocating. Michelle says I was in recovery for an hour or so, it felt longer to me.

 

Back in my room; back with Michelle; meds moderating to pain to a hard ache, and they want me to get out of bed! I want to sleep. I want something to drink. I don’t fee like a stroll. Michelle is insistent and I stumble out into the hall where I join a slow parade up and down the corridor. Michelle said we looked like zombies; plodding along with ashen faces, using our IV stands like a rolling cane.

 

Finally allowed to sleep, this day is, at last, over.

 

Friday morning starts with someone taking my blood pressure, again. And then, after more than thirty hours of nothing by mouth, a nurse arrived with a cup of flaked ice. It was the coldest, wettest, most delicious flaked ice ever. Before I could savor the moment, Michelle was prodding me out of bed, time for more zombie laps. And so went to day. A nap, vitals, more laps. A nap, vitals, more laps.

 

The only break was late in the afternoon for the x-ray dye test. I had to drink a cup of the foulest tasting liquid ever, and then got to see the dye descend my esophagus and enter my new, shockingly small, stomach. There on the screen, even to my untrained eye, was a very small stomach pouch. Equally important to my untrained eye, I could see there were no leaks.   

 

The second night was much better than the first. In the morning, it was much of the same routine as the previous day, but this time with the anticipation that we would soon be heading home. We were schedule to depart at eleven AM, and meet Michelle’s sister Yvonne in San Diego before heading home, but that’s another story.

The Big Day

Tomorrow is the big day.

I've checked my list. I've checked it twice. I have all the details handled. Nothing left now but to choke down another jug of water and try for a good nights sleep.

My weight loss so far is 15.6 lbs. That's for the fourteen day pre-op diet. If my rate of weight loss after surgery is as good or better, I'm going to be a happy patient.

I'm going to be off the keyboard for a couple of days. I'm sure there will be a lot to catch up on when I get back.

Until then, I could use your thoughts and prayers. Thank you, all.

Real and Perceived

I'm looking forward to Friday and a break from physical hunger. My stomach would like a little something more than another protein shake. I can't say I'm hungry, but my brain thinks it needs a crisp apple or some fresh local strawberries.

That's alright, I see light at the end of the tunnel and it's a new life. This is, and will be, worth every sacrifice real and perceived.

I'm ready.

Racing All Day

After seeming to take forever, suddenly my surgery is coming up fast. My mind, otherwise occupied over the weekend, has been racing all day. Thursday's the big day. I think I'm ready.




 

Happy Father's Day

Big, big weekend this week. Too much good stuff going on to worry about food, weight loss or pending surgery. Not that I've strayed from the program, because I haven't. How could you worry about the details while surrounded by all these smiling faces.

Many thanks to Laura & Peter for hosting our mini-retreat. Laura has completed the evolution from the never-ending-chocolate-pie to the gift of hospitality. Many many thanks, Sis.

As I surveyed my surroundings, all the giggles, laughs and even tears, I was reminded why this surgery is so important to me. Each and every one of these faces is important to me. I am determined that my past failures are not going to shape or limit my future; not with what's at stake here.

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there; especially my Dad, Jerome, Jeremy, Jason & Ryan, who is at sea serving all of us on the USS Nimitz.   

A Question From Meia

Meia Sue: Not to be negative, just curious. If you have changed your diet and are motivated to stay healthy why do you need the surgery?

I love this question and Meia’s courage to ask it. From my experience, most people who do not have weight issues do not understand those of us who do have weight issues. If it were as simple as just don’t eat as much, there would be no obesity. People like me would simply stop eating after a reasonable consumption of food and not be overweight. In the same fashion, if just say no worked for drug abuse, Nancy Regan would have won the war on drugs back in the eighties. Just like the alcoholic who can’t stop after one drink, and the junkie who can’t stop after one hit, I can’t stop after one chip. Something in my animal brain snaps and I can’t stop until the bag is empty. You might take a slice of pizza, feel satisfied, and stop eating. I’m going to keep eating pizza until the box is empty. In my brain, it may be a long time until my next successful pizza hunt.

Willpower and motivation are great, but sometimes it isn’t enough. Years ago I lost seventy five pounds. I was exercising. I was happy. I had my food intake in balance with my calorie output. Then I had a sports injury and I couldn’t workout. Try as I might to maintain on diet and restricted pool workouts, my weight slowly increased. A pound here and a pound there and then it one day I woke up and I’d gained back half the weight I’d lost. I don’t remember being consciously depressed. I don’t remember what food I turned to for a ‘fix’. But I know it happened and it started a spiral of poor food choices and bad eating behavior. The next time I opened my eyes and faced reality, I’d regained all seventy-five pounds and added twenty more; thus the cycle of obesity.

Our stomachs produce a hormone called Ghrelin. Ghrelin is produced in the large ‘bota-bag’ portion of the stomach and tells the brain, I’m hungry, feed me. In the vertical sleeve procedure I’m having, this portion of the stomach is removed. The process reduces the volume of the stomach and thereby the amount of food I will be able to eat. It also reduces the Ghrelin produced and therefor the ‘feed me’ signal to my brain. The combination of less stomach volume for food and less hungry signal to the brain goes a long way towards controlling weight.

  

When it comes to food and eating right, I’m weak. It’s true; right now I’m doing awesome. I’m motivated, I’m diligent and I have a goal. I’m also a realist. I know myself and my track record. I know that in the long-run the odds are stacked against me. I can’t do this on my own or I would have by now. I need help. I need every advantage I can muster. I want to live the rest of my life, not watch it go by.

That’s why I’m having weight loss surgery.

Nary a Sniff or Glance

Half way through the pre-op diet and all is well.

Michelle accused me of being a little cranky the other night, but frankly I didn't see it. Either way, we seem to be past it now.

I feel fortified with protein and ready to ignore the Friday-donuts I know are waiting for me at work in the morning. With a mug of black coffee in one hand and a protein shake in the other, I will march by with nary a sniff or glance. I am on a mission. The closer I get, the more motivated and less tempted I become. After weeks of it seeming to take forever, my surgery is a week from today.


Have I mentioned what an awesome, supportive wife I have?

Thank you for walking this journey with me.

I love you, Michelle!

Fish Tonight

Fish for dinner tonight and I can assure you it isn't beer-battered and deep-fried.

That's OK. I'm down 10.8 lbs as of this morning.

Change Starts Now

I'm finding a bit of a challenge to get enough calories. I know that sounds ridiculous, but you can only eat so much lean beef. I don't care much for chicken. I abhor eggs; unless in cookies or ice cream, but I digress. I'm using protien powder to fill in the gaps, but an amazing thing has happened: physical hunger.

I'm not a person prone to stomach-growling culinary deprivation. I'm in the shape I'm in because my stomach hasn't had a rest in fifty plus years. I'm not the kind of guy to take a chance on getting hungry. I'll eat now and later and then get a snack or two just to be sure. I was like a chain smoker with chips and chocolate.

I've always been an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy. I eat because I'm sad. I eat to get happy when I'm sad. How's that working for me? Not well. The net result: I'm out of shape and out of touch with my body.

I'm ready to change. My surgery is in nine days. I'm not going to wait. Change starts now.



   

So Far, So Good

Day five and so far, so good. I'm keeping daily carb intake at 40 grams; which is not easy, by the way.

McMuffin on the way to work: out.

Sandwich for lunch: out.

Mashed potatoes, rice, pasta: out, out and out.

Healthy for life: IN!

I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this!

Steak

At least I can have steak!

I'm not complaining. I'm loosing.

Yes I Am

This afternoon I received a call. Have I started my pre-op diet? Was I sticking to the plan?

Yes and yes. Thanks for the call.

Unlike other diets I've attempted, the stakes are high for this one. The purpose is to shrink the liver - my liver - and make more room for the surgeon to SAFELY do what he needs to do. Since what he needs to do is re-form and remove a substantial portion of my stomach, I find this quite motivational.

Yes I am, sticking to the plan.

This isn't Easy

I figure the best way to start this journey is with a little truth in lending; full discousure as it were.

This morning I tipped the scales at 307.2. My waist is 48".

Today at lunch I went for a walk: .78 miles in the noon-day sun. It felt like 78 miles.

If I have to tie my shoes I'm looking for a chair or curb. Stairs, not my friend.

By any measure, I am fat and out of shape.

It isn't easy to admit the mess I'm in, but I need a baseline. A year from now I want to be able to look back and see where I started; to see how far I've come.

No more someday; I start today.

Goodbye, Mashed Potatoes

Tomorrow morning I wake up to protein powder and a new outlook on food. I don't care. Since making the decision to have weight loss surgery six-one days ago, I have wrestled with my unhealthy passion for all things delicious. I am determined to break the pattern, to make food fuel. Maybe down the road I can eat a cookie, maybe not. In my current state I enjoy a cookie and then I keep eating cookies until there are no longer cookies within my reach.

I've tried. I've failed. Just say no doesn't work for me. I need help.

After weeks of planning: the final count-down. Fourteen days until my surgery.

I'm ready. Let's do this!

Getting Serious

In two days I start the final countdown; my fourteen day pre-op diet.

I'm ready. I'm nervous. I'm not sure what to expect. I know the surgery will address the physical side of the weight loss equation. What about the emotional side? I have food issues. That should be obvious to even the most casual observer. My goal; my mission is to achieve permanent weight loss, and to do so without trading my obsession with food for something even worse.

I'm excited.

I can do this.