Can't Stop

I can't stop getting old, but I don't have to be old.

It's A Small Thing

I haven't posted much lately. I've been busy living life in my new body. More important, I want this blog to be more than how much weight I lost this week and how far I ran tonight. My journey is body, soul and spirit.

This afternoon I was out for a run on a route that took me through some of the less desirable streets in Everett. It's impossible to avoid all the shady characters; cardboard signs, cheep booze and second-hand pot smoke abound along 41st and down Broadway. Normally I look away, but I've been convicted.

Recently I found my path blocked by a couple sprawled across the sidewalk. They saw me approaching at full stride and made no effort to yield. Rather than stop or go around, I hurdled the bodies in my way. I never broke stride and I never responded to the obscenities hurled my direction. I simply continued my run with righteous indignation. The problem is, I've never gotten it out of my mind. What makes me king of the sidewalk? What gives me the right? The truth I've settled on is nothing. Nothing gives me the right.

I've taken a new approach. I try to make eye contact with every person I encounter. Not everyone responds well. Some look away. Some stare back in hate and anger. Some are simply dead; like there's nothing there behind the eyes. Once in a while, people lock eyes with me. When they do I make sure I give them a smile and a wave as I go by. It's simply my way of acknowledging them as a person. It's a small thing that has lead to some pretty big smiles.

I will never again hurdle a bum passed out on the sidewalk.







 



  

Choose the Right Thing

I ran this afternoon, but that's not the news. I want to talk about decision. When I got home from work I could think of a dozen reasons why I shouldn't run.

I was tired after a long day at work. I'll be tired after work tomorrow too.

It was pretty warm this afternoon, what if I overheat? That's the purpose of proper hydration.

I should take the garbage out. Done; next excuse, please.

After working through my mental list of all the reasons I shouldn't run, I made a decision. I laced up my shoes; took one last hit of water and headed out the door. After a few blocks of seventies rock banging in my ear-buds I settled into a steady gait and reeled off five miles in the mid-afternoon sun. When I was done I sat with a tall iced cola beverage and enjoyed the accomplishment. I can't speak for everyone, but sitting in the shade after a nice workout beats sitting on the sofa watch TV any day.

I had weight loss surgery. It was the best thing I've ever done for my body. But I still have to make smart decisions. I have to decide every day to live a new life and not to fall back into old patterns. Most days it's easy. Most days I can't wait. Once in awhile, like today, I have to choose to do the right thing.

The decision was the hard part, the run was awesome.

I Am Living Large!

Yikes!

It's been a week and I haven't written. Please don't take my lack of communication for a lack of motivation and progress; quite the opposite. It's amazing how quickly my body, and especially my mind, has settled into it's new reality. I no longer sit around wanting to do things, I go outside and do them.

I run. I cycle. I try to do something physical every day. I no longer lament what was lost and dream of a new day, I simply live. Every day is a new opportunity to feel my heart pound and the wind in my face. Every day takes me further from the depressed and frustrated soul I'd become.

My life is no longer defined by weight issues that held me captive for so long. My life is about new beginnings. My life is about others. My life is about body, soul and spirit.

I am Linn and I am living large!






   

New Life

Happy Independence Day!

This year I celebrate the birth of our great nation. This year I remember the blood and sacrifice of all those who serve to protect our freedoms. This year I celebrate personal independence.

I am 379 days post surgery. Yesterday I ran 6.68 miles. This morning I am down exactly 116 pounds. Today I'm going to be active, join the celebration, eat very little and be totally satisfied. It's going to be a great day.

Until June 20th, 2013, my life was defined by limits and regret. Today my life is defined by hope and opportunity. I know it sounds superlative, but I cannot over stress the positive impact weight loss surgery has had in my life. I dared hope for physical change, all though I grossly underestimated the impact to my physical well-being. The emotional and spiritual changes in my life only serve to illustrate the depressed state I was in and the positive direction I now move. My wife has said it many times, the surgeons operated on my stomach, but effects are in my mind.

Today I celebrate independence. Today I celebrate freedom. Today I celebrate new life.



  

Hammer and Paint.

This weekend two of our Granddaughters stayed with us. Gracie Alice and MakennaLinn consider themselves 'best cousins, forever'. They are like two crazy little peas in a pod and a lot of fun to hang-out with. Saturday morning Michelle came to me and said the girls want to do a 'project'. What kind of project my mind wanted to know. They want to hammer nails and paint came the replay.

Right away I'm thinking we need to build something. We'll start with some paper and a ruler. We need a plan; nothing fancy but you've go to have a plan. Tools; I've got to get out my tools. We'll need a scroll saw, a skil-saw, a driver and drill for holes and screws. While I'm fussing around with plans and tools, two little girls found a hammer and some scrap wood in the garage. When I finally took a break and looked up from my busyness, there were a very content Gracie Alice and MakennaLinn happily pounding away. About that time grandma Michelle showed up and they were ready to trade hammers for paint bushes. I was so focused on the details I nearly missed the project.

When they said hammer and paint, they meant hammer and paint. That was the sum total of the project. They didn't need plans. They didn't needs power tools. They needed a hammer, some nails and a few sticks of scrap wood. Then they needed paint. Simple, right?

I have a tendency to get caught-up in the minutia. What's the plan? What's the cost? Who, what, where, when, why? I need information. I need details. Michelle just wants the garbage taken out.

Sometimes the answers there all along, if you listen. The girls want to hammer and paint.    

You may be wondering what this has to do with diet and exercise. Not a darn thing. All that's going really well.

A Lot To Smile About

Some days don't go according to plan. 

This afternoon to took my trusty road bike out for a spin. Here's the sequence of events: 

1) Hopped on my bike and headed South on Colby.
2) Several miles from home I ran into a parked car and ended up on middle of busy street. 
3) Continued riding for six or seven miles until I realized it wasn't going to be my day. 
4) Limped home to face the wrath and condemnation from my loving wife.  

When given the choice between a parked car and a moving car; I'll go parked every time. It was almost a non-event, but the mirror caught me in the shoulder and there was nowhere to go but down. Given the nature of pavement, all the compromise in sudden deceleration took place in my body. The owner of the vehicle happened to be in his yard and ran out into the street. Thankfully, his concern was for me and not his nineteen eighty something POC. My concern, at least initially, was if anything was broken. Once confident I could get up, my concern turned to my bike. As soon as all was sorted, I saddled up and moved on. 

I count myself lucky. It could have been much worse. A little skin, some torn clothing, a few chips of paint and I'm pretty sure I'm going to wake up tomorrow feeling like I swan-dived into the street. Oh wait, I did. 

Michelle's initial concern quickly yielded to open mocking, "You're as bad as little kid; always falling off your bike."

For the record, it's not always. Second, it's only the first time since I've been able to ride again. Finally, no harm, no foul, right!

I don't think tomorrow morning is going to be a good time to go on about how sore I predict I'll be. I'm planning ahead; lots of Advil and I'll smile a lot.   

I've got a lot to smile about. If it weren't for weight loss surgery and a loss of 115 pounds I wouldn't be able to running and riding and be active like I am. A little scrap here and there is nothing. 

I'm a lucky guy!


PS - Yes, (Wife, Mother, Worried Types) I'll be careful out there. 

My Only Regret

Today is the one year anniversary of my weight loss surgery. 

What a difference a year makes.

Weight Loss (so far): 114.6 pounds

Inches Lost (neck, chest, waist, etc): 60.75"

What have I gained?

Health, Vitality, Confidence, My Life!


If you struggle with your weight and you're ready to change your life, then do it. It's not another diet and it's not an instant cure. It IS the most powerful tool available to equip you to conquer obesity for once and for all. 

JoAnne at BeLIteWeight.com is the one who facilitated my Vertical Sleeve procedure. I am forever grateful to her and her staff for making this possible.  

My only regret; I waited so long!  

In My World

Happiness is two tenths of a pound!

I haven't talked much about my weight lately. I've been in a holding pattern for several weeks. I weight myself daily, first thing in the morning, and for several weeks my weight has stayed in a three pound range. It's a very nice range. It's a range almost a hundred and fifteen pounds from where I started, but with my one year anniversary approaching, I'm counting ever ounce. So imagine my joy when I stepped on the scale and I was down two tenths of a pound. 

If you've never struggled with weight issues you have no way of understanding my reaction. If you've ever struggled with your weight there is no reason for me to explain my reaction.

I'm in the living phase of my post weight loss surgery (WLS) life. I am not actively dieting. I eat what I want, although in much smaller quantities. I hike. I run. I cycle. I don't let stairs or parking spots in remote lots dictate my decisions. I live. The fact that my weight continues to creep DOWN in the midst of living a full and rewarding life is nothing short of a miracle.  

That's right, in my world two tenths of a pound is a miracle. 

Not Just Alive

This bit of the summer plague I've contracted just wont go away. It's tapered down to a pesky cough, and I'm tired of waiting. 

Tonight after work, I ran. 

It felt good to get out in the sun. It feels good to feel alive. The pesky low-grade pain in my knees; the sweat in my hair; the deep, relaxed breaths that come after an hour of exertion. All of it. It makes me feel like I'm living, not just alive.  

Living is good!

Couch Potato Ways

This afternoon I sit inside and think to myself; I should be outside in the sun doing something fun/healthy/physical. Instead, I sit at my desk and watch the world go by while I cough, hack, sneeze and blow my nose for the hundredth time this hour. No, I haven't reverted back to my couch potato ways. I've contracted the plague and haven't the energy do do much beside hold my head up and wait for the next round of sneezing and nose blowing. 

I could complain but I wont. My weight is down 113 pounds and holding. The sun is out and someday this nasty little summer cold will pass. When it does, I'll spend my afternoons riding my bike or running the waterfront with classic rock banging in my ipod. 

Until then, I'll grab another tissue and sign off. 

Here's to happier, healthier days. 



   

There is Hope

I was surfing through Facebook and came across one of those 'check this out' posts that are all too common. This one was a BMI calculator. I thought to myself; self, I bet your BMI is a whole lot better than it was a year ago. It was with great optimism I decided to play along. 

Height: 5' 8.25"

Weight: 194.2 

Magic box calculation: BMI 29.3 

29.3! Seriously? 29.3 puts me at the top of the OVERWEIGHT scale. I lose 113 pounds and I'm still fat!

According to the BMI scale of life, I have to loose another 29.2 pounds to reach the top of the normal category. Oh well, no one has ever accused me of being normal; top of category or otherwise. 

Fortunately for my sanity and emotional well being, my waist to height ratios is smack dab in the normal range. That's right, if you look hard enough you can find a statistic that well tell you what you want to hear.   

What's my point in all this? If you can climb stairs, run, jump and enjoy life to the fullest, you probably don't have a weight problem. I suspect, however, if you do have a weight problem you know it without having a simple BMI calculation tell you.  

If you struggle with weight issues, I understand. I've walked in your shoes and I've sat at your table. I know the frustration and I feel your pain. I know the isolation you feel and I'm here to tell you there is hope. If you want to know more, one on one, contact me through this site. 

In case you missed it: there is hope!  

Very Good Indeed

I mixed it up a little this afternoon; I rode my bike. 

A funny thing happened when I pulled my bike out of storage a couple of weeks ago: it didn't fit. I've ridden it twice  since pulling it down and I just couldn't get comfortable in the saddle. I thought it had something to do with the pouring rain I got caught it in, but I got the same result a few days later. Determined to mix-up my workouts, this afternoon I got out some tools and started tweaking. A few moments latter I was ready to hit the street. 

Success! I can't explain how or why weight loss affected the fit of my bike, but it did. I lowered the saddle slightly and moved it all the way forward and it worked. I don't know why, my arms and legs are the same length they always were, but I'm not going to argue with success.

I spent thirty-eight minutes on the road and could have gone farther. I pulled up short to insure my backside would be ready to ride another day. Expedience tells me too much too soon leads to a serious case of 'saddle sore'; bad idea for a guy who makes his living sitting in a chair all day.

Of all the good that's come my way this year, and there's a lot of good, being active is the best. I feel twenty years younger. I can run. I can ride. I can live. 

It's all good, very good indeed!

Slow and Steady, Leaking Steam.

It's been nine days since my last post, which is inexcusable. The reasons are many, varied and for the most part, legitimate. The bottom line is, we've been very busy. Another major factor; I am less focused on weight loss and more focused on life. The new has become normal. It's been eleven months today, and I can hardly remember my former life. Once in a while a photograph comes across my path and I am confronted with my former reality. However, my goal isn't to dwell on the past, but to 'live large' going forward. 

This afternoon I ran 5.25 miles - my favorite loop; out Colby and along the water on Marine View Drive. Coming up 25th on the final stretch is where I pulled my calf muscle a couple of weeks ago. Today I was like a locomotive coming up the hill; slow and steady, leaking steam. As I sit here and type, my muscles are letting me know I went for a run; not pain, just enough to make me feel good about getting out and being active. 

If I haven't said it lately, my life, as I currently know it, is due to weight loss surgery. I struggled for years to regain the activity lost to obesity. I battled daily to reconcile the person I was with the person I wanted to be. It's a hard life when you're not comfortable in your own skin. I know this all too well. Thanks to a skilled surgeon and a supportive wife, my life is new and exciting again. It's not a dream. It's my new reality. 

If you struggle with weight issues. If you're tried everything and feel hopeless, I know your pain. My path is not for everyone, but if you're interested in learning more about weight loss surgery (specifically the vertical sleeve procedure), contact me. 

A Very Good Day

I ran this morning; first time since my injury two weeks ago. All the moving parts moved in the right direction at the right time; most significant, without pain. Life is good. 

My self imposed exercise exile didn't hurt my weight loss efforts. I'm down a pound. Right now my weight loss has slowed to about two pounds a month. I'm pleased with any sustained effort that moves me away from obesity, towards fitness and ultimately, to health and happiness. 

My life has changed so much, sometimes I feel like I'm living in a dream. It isn't so much about the pounds anymore, it's all about living life; life without limits. 

I'm living life. I'm living large!

It's a good day. It's a very good day!

A Special Kind Of Smart

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in an alternative universe. Losing a bunch of weight has that effect. So does a wife who works-out regularly. I had weight loss surgery. Michelle has a personal trainer. It’s been almost a year for both of us and the results are amazing. I've lost 112 pounds of unwanted fat. Michelle is a lean and toned workout machine.  

It’s a little like a Far Side cartoon. Me sitting on the couch; Michelle walking up and saying, “Feel my muscle.”  

That’s not to say I don’t work-out. I’m just not much for the drill sergeant routine. I’m more or a slow-twitch endurance kind of guy, which works for and against me. Sometimes I don’t know when to quit. I've been known to do stupid things like keep running, even after I know I've pulled a muscle. Most people would immediately stop and phone home. Most people would, but not me. That takes a special kind of smart that I just don’t have.

It’s been two weeks and my leg feels good. Unfortunately, my back doesn't. Just when I thought it was safe to go back outside and play, my back is giving me fits. My back has been much better since losing weight, but there’s an exception to every rule. I know I need a few more days of rest and inactivity for a full recovery. Knowing and doing are two completely different concepts. 

Like I said, that takes a special kind if smart.         

Lightning Strikes

Tonight is another one of those rare moments in life; good food, good music, excellent company.

I guess lightning strikes twice. 

The truth is, you don't have to count on random chance when you marry well!

I am truly a lucky guy!

Life Is Good Thant Way

Tonight was one of those rare, deeply satisfying moments you wish would never end. Michelle and I sat outside and enjoyed a wonderful New York Strip dinner and then watched the sun settle over the fence. It's not often you can say there's nowhere I'd rather be, so I cherish the moment. 

Good food, good music and good company equal a life well lived.   

Before surgery I lamented the loss of food. I shouldn't have worried. My tastes have changed. My priorities have changed. My love of good food has matured. I'd rather have three or four ounces of a quality cut than a slab of something that covers the plate. I'd rather have a slice of crusty whole wheat bread and a dab of real butter than a baked potato with the works. 

And, I'd rather listen to Nora Jones and watch the sun set with Michelle than be anywhere else. 

Life is good that way.

She's Right (Again, Still, Always)

Me: “Michelle, I (pulled something running, fell off my bike, strained my back getting out of bed) hurt myself.”

Michelle: “Well, you’re (a silly, foolish, moronic man) not thirty anymore.”

Oh course I’m not thirty anymore. It’s a good thing too; when I was thirty my life was a train wreck. We are born into innocence and vitality, which starts to deteriorate almost immediately. Unfortunately, for most men like me, emotional maturity and wisdom from life doesn't happen until… I’m still waiting, but I’m pretty confident it’s coming. A fact helps explain why I stumble through life clueless most of the time. And my wife thought I was just (silly, moronic, foolish), there’s actually a very excellent explanation!   

And so I enter my second day of NOT running. According to my wife, this is all due to the fact I’m not thirty anymore.

As is typical in our relationship, she’s right (again, still, always).  

You'd Think, Right?

Yesterday, coming up 25th Street from the waterfront, I felt a 'ping' in my left calf. I should have immediately stopped running, but I didn't. By the time I got to the top of the hill and turned down Colby I knew I had a problem. I should have called Michelle to come get me, or at least walked the last half mile home, but I didn't. There is something askew in my reptilian brain; something that says press on, don't quit, no pain, no gain. 

Today I can hardly walk, which translates: all pain, no gain, STUPID!

It's not the pain that hurts; that's what Advil and ice are for. In fact a little muscle soreness now and again is good; reminds you that your working out and all the working parts are working. What really hurts is knowing I can't, or at least shouldn't run for a couple of weeks while my body heals. What makes me crazy in my head is knowing what should be two or three weeks of mending is probably going to drag on for months because I am A) too suborn and B) too stupid to stop running until I an fully healed. I wish I could say otherwise, but past history indicates.

I am seriously going to try to do this right. I'd rather run, but it looks like a couple of weeks in the pool staring at the black line. Black line, breath; black line, breath; black line, breath, turn; black line, breath; boring. 

I really do want to do this right. I have some goals for later this summer and fall and this could either be an annoying set-back or a deal killer.

I'll go with annoying set-back, thank you. 

Wait, I've been so busy with my little pity-party I forgot to mention the good news. I've lost 112 pounds so far and I can run again! 

That should help keep me in focus; you'd think, right?   

      

Running Towards Life

I'm a list making, note taking kind of guy. I've been keeping a journal of life's highs and lows, with a few breaks in the deepest of valleys, for nearly twenty four years. 

On November 13, 1991, I recorded a soul crushing weight of 250.25 pounds; lamented the state my life my life and determined to make positive and lasting changes. Had I known these were the good old times; had I a clue of what I was to go through down the road of life or that my weight would top 320 pounds, I might have thrown in the towel right then and there. 

That entry: 250.25, began a season of physical activity and determination that carried me through to Thursday, July 23, 1992, when I recorded a weight of 196.5. 1992 was a good year. I ran the Skagit Flats marathon. I rode the Apple Cup Century ride. I ran, rode, swam daily. Looking back I realize my personal life was a train-wreck and I kept my sanity through exercise. As soon as I found the stability and contentment I craved, my focus changed direction and the pounds crept back; slowly at first and then with a vengeance. 

In looking back through my journals, that is the lowest weight I have recorded; until Thursday, this week - twenty three years later. My weight is currently 195.8 pounds. 

My life has come full circle. This morning as I reflect on the past twenty years and all we've been through I can't help but smile. Who I am today is shaped by life's experiences; the good, the bad the terrible. I am no longer running to escape life's circumstances. I no longer crave unconditional love; I hold her hand and kiss her cheek every chance I get. 

I am running again, but it's different now. I run because I can. I run for the sheer pleasure of the experience. I am no longer running away. 

I run towards life. 

Nobody's Perfect

Some are flawed more than others; I more than most.

There is no reset or do-over in life. I can't go back and undo every stupid thing I've ever done. I would if I could, but I can't, so my focus is today and tomorrow.

Sometimes you run into a situation where someone can't let go of the past. To them you are who you were and not who you are. I am determined to be a better person each day. If I can't be judged by who I am, it's not my burden to carry.

I wish I could reintroduce myself.

I am Linn; flawed, broken, determined, hopeful, optimistic.

I am Linn living large.

I Choose Well

I like food.

There, I said it. I know that will surprise some and disappoint others, but it’s the truth. It may appear to be an oxymoron to proclaim a love of food and significant weight loss in the same breath, but it’s not. It’s the difference between quality verses quantity.

When I weighed in excess of three hundred and twenty pounds I ate, a lot. I found the bottom of every bag of chips I ever opened. It didn't matter if it was Doritos or prime rib; I wasn't done until the last morsel had succumbed to my voracious appetite. It was all about filling the void and I was never full.

Fast forward to the new surgically modified me and the story is different. Twice in the past nine months I have ignored the ‘I’m getting full’ warning signal and paid the price. Not to be too graphic or gross, but the price is an immediate and full expulsion of all stomach contents; so much for quantity. I may be an old dog, but I can learn.

If my new capacity is limited to a few bites, I’m going to be pretty choosy about what I eat; hence quality. I've even taken a bite of something and then thought; nope, not worth it and discretely deposited it in a napkin. Not in public of course, but I’m not about to waste my limited capacity on a stale cookie. I love food and I’m learning to respect me. I’d rather have a few bites of something really good than be full on junk. My stomach capacity is the same either way so I might as well choose wisely.

My tastes and views concerning food have changed greatly during this journey. If anything, I enjoy food more now. Eating is not a conquest. I’m not in a hurry to find the bottom of the bag and then go looking for more. I am able to slow down and savor what I choose to eat.

I choose well, because I love food.

Face Yourself

One year ago today I made a decision. 

I made a decision to take control of my eating, my weight, my life. I made a decision to have weight loss surgery. 

The decision was a process; years of dieting and frustration, years of slipping further and further from myself, one pound after another. I wanted change. I dreamed of change. It wasn't until I faced the simple truth: I can't do this myself. I need help. 

Enough is enough. We all have our limits. I had to find mine. It's a negative space where you are caught between the dread of your current situation and the fear of the unknown future. 

For me, it all comes down to this present moment. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow may never be. What can I do right now, today? When I stay in the moment, I find peace. I make the decision before me. It's as simple as cookies or yogurt; next.  

If you want, desire, need change in your life, only you can make the decision. My advice: turn you back on yesterday. Stop worrying about tomorrow. Face yourself. Face your fears. Face today. 

To be honest, to be fair, I'd like to take a moment and thank my wife. Without her love and patience, without her hand to hold and shoulder to cry on, without her irrepressible sense of humor it wouldn't be the same journey. I am eternally grateful for her unconditional love and support. I love you, Michelle. 

A New Day Tomorrow

I’m not immune.

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you’re just not in the mood. Today is one of those the days. I’m a lucky guy. I know it. This has been an incredible year and I have no doubt the trend will continue. But today; sometimes it’s just not your day.

This used to be my life. I’d wake up in an emotional fog and go through the motions of living. I never quite felt in sync. It took years but one day I woke up and didn’t feel like myself anymore. It’s different today. I know the difference between a bad day and a life spun out of control. This will pass. Tomorrow is a new day. Sometimes a pissy mood is just a pissy mood.

I’m a lucky guy; human, fallible, flawed, but lucky none the less.

Tomorrow is a new day.

  

Momentous Occasion

Today is a momentous occasion for two reasons: 

First, I have reached a new threshold. At 197 pounds, I have lost 110 pounds since embarking on my weight loss surgery journey. My pace of weight loss has slowed considerably, but I continue to move in the right direction. When people ask me how much I plan to loose, my answer is always, as much as I can. I am fighting obesity. If I were fighting cancer or another disease, I wouldn't be looking to be cured a little or just enough. I would want the disease eradicated from my life so I could move on and live without fear and limitation. So it is with my battle. 

Second, I have broken the 10,000 visit threshold with this blog. I have registered visits from around the globe and from people I will never meet. I am humbled that anything I have to say could reach and touch people from around the world. I started blogging for two reasons: accountability and release. I still need accountability and writing is cathartic. Now more than ever I hope people are able to see hope and potential. I am nothing special; flawed and scarred like everyone else. If I am able, you are too.  

Today may be a momentous occasion, but it's only a stepping stone to tomorrow and the rest of my journey.

My focus now and moving forward is wholeness; a life well lived; body soul and spirit.

Rest Well, Alberto

I am sad to say; Alberto Maal has passed. The announcement said it was a unexpected cardiac event.

Alberto was the first face most of us saw when traveling to Tijuana for weight loss surgery. He was a true ambassador for the doctors and staff of Belite Weight. Alberto and his big blue van picked us up from the airport and kept the mood light as he shuffled us through customs and on to the hospital. He was quick with a smile and a reassuring comment; always with a twinkle in his eye and a bit of humor.

As we wander this life we occasionally cross paths with those who's impact is greater than the moments we spend together. Alberto is such a person to me. In a moment  when I was filled with apprehension, he and his big blue van pulled up to the curb and suddenly it seemed like everything was OK. He jumped out, threw our bags in, and we were off. For the first time in days I could truly relax. There was nothing else I could do. I was a passenger. Alberto was behind the wheel. The journey was begun.

Alberto Maal was a good man. I feel sad for his family and friends. I send my heartfelt condolences and thank them for sharing his time with me; if only for a few moments. He was the right person at the right time in a journey that has changed my life in ways I never imagined.

Rest well, Alberto.





 

Just Beginning To Comprehend

Nine months ago today I climbed aboard Alaska Airlines bound for San Diego; destination INT Hospital, Tijuana Mexico and a new life.

I didn't fully understand the new life part. I was ready for change. I wanted change; but as far as understanding what I was in for, I hadn't a clue. Even now, I am just beginning to comprehend and appreciate the metamorphosis that is my life. The physical changes are easy to see. All it takes is a mirror and my belt from June 20^th to measure my progress. The emotional and spiritual progress may be less visual, yet even more significant, at least to me. My wife has said many times that Dr. Rodriguez operated on my stomach, but the effects were in my head.

When I had Vertical Sleeve surgery I knew I was fat. I knew I didn't feel good about myself and I knew I wanted change. What I didn't know was that my physical condition was a door closed against my emotion well-being. Obesity controlled every aspect of my life. What I ate; when I ate; how much I ate. Where I went; what I wore; who I’d meet. Through obesity I put limits and conditions on virtually every aspect of my life. I shunned social situations and was increasingly content to hide at home. Life felt like an activity that had passed by me.

A funny thing happened when I lost a hundred pounds; I found myself! I’m not perfect. Losing weight hasn't fixed all that’s flawed in me, but it’s open doors in my physical and emotional well-being that have been firmly locked for years. In nine months my life has changed more than I ever dreamed possible. I dared to dream of weight loss. I dared to dream of life without limits; thinking of stairs and other physical barriers. It turns out my dreams were small.

Few things in life ever turn out better than you dream them to be; this has.      

Choose Health, Fitness, Life!

This weekend my daughter gave me a birthday present; a new fleece jacket. It is a very nice article of clothing and I very much appreciate the gift and the gesture. What I appreciate most, is the size. When I pulled it out of the gift bag, I noticed the size. I have to admit I was a little nervous to try it on. I haven’t worn a Men’s MEDIUM since, I don’t know, maybe Junior High! Not only does my new fleece jacket fit, it looks great! I doubt I’ll ever put on my new favorite fleece jacket without thinking about that moment and my daughter too.  

I’m not trying to brag. I hope it’s apparent that I’m not gloating. I am excited to be where I’m at this time and place in my journey. Just as important, I hope that those who struggle with food and weight issues find hope and encouragement. That’s my message. I am not special. If I say look at me, it’s only so you can see what you too can do.

Be encouraged. Choose health, fitness, life!

Back In The Drawer

I've been hanging onto my prized finisher shirt from the 1992 Skagit Flats Marathon, size XL. Deep down inside I don't think I thought I would ever be able to wear it. Even when I got it, it was a little snug; there's not much call for double or triple XL marathon finisher shirts. But I kept it. I completed the 1992 Skagit Flats Marathon; all twenty six point two miles. I ran every step of the way and I've always considered it to be one of my most significant achievements. And I've kept the finisher shirt ever since; not hanging on the wall like a prize, but in the bottom of a drawer.

I wouldn't have worn my Skagit Flats Marathon Finisher's shirt even if I could have. It's hard to talk about running a marathon or climbing mountains or extreme skiing when you're as big as I was. People look at you like you're reciting a book; really, you ran a marathon? Several years ago I realized I was omitting large portions of my life story in certain settings. It was easier than following with; and then I got fat.

It took time, but, it started the process of withdraw; living life in rear-view. One day you wake up and realize the person you are isn't the person you thought you were and definitively not the person you want to be. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment of realization, decision, commitment; I would bottle it up and offer it as a silver bullet to anyone struggling with food and weight issues. Unfortunately, the best I can do is offer encouragement. I had weight loss surgery 276 days ago and I'm down 109 pounds. Weight loss surgery isn't a cure, put it's a pretty powerful tool for those like me with a long history of failure and frustration.

A funny thing: my Skagit Flats Marathon finish shirt is too big now. I know it's never going to fit me again, but I still consider finishing a full marathon one of my greatest personal achievements. More important, I now see a way forward to running again and so much more.

I love that shirt. It's going back in the drawer.











   

Enjoying the Grace

Confession time: I should be out running or riding. I should be doing something to get my heart rate into the target zone. I should be out there shakin' & movin', but I'm not. After three weeks of perpetual motion and moving, I'm content to sit-out this Saturday morning. I'll let this break in the rain slide by, even if it means running in the rain tomorrow.

Last night our granddaughter spent the night with us. This morning she is content with grandma's ipad. Michelle is enjoying a cup of coffee and some quiet time before the day gets hectic. And I sit here looking out the window, thinking I should be out there running. Or should I? My life has been full of moments wishing I was somewhere else; someone else. Today I'm going to get another up of coffee and enjoy the grace that is this very moment.

I can run tomorrow. It's supposed to rain.

No Doubt About It

For me, writing is cathartic, which goes a long way towards explaining why I haven't written much this week. Life is good.

Actually, life is great.

I've broken the 200 pound barrier and I continue to loose weight. We've settled into a new home and have started exploring our new neighborhood. We've come full circle - twenty years - and are settle in at Calvary Chapel, Everett. Jess, Jason & Layla were over for dinner last night. Lindsey, Jeremy and the kids will be over for dinner tonight. I'm fortunate enough to be married to my best friend. I could go on and on, but I wont. I don't want to sound like one of those too perfect, too happy people who make you want to pull out your hair. I'm not. My life has been full of challenges, crisis and enough heartache to make a puppy cry. All of which make me appreciate my present state all the more.

It's been an incredible run. I'm deeply satisfied with my current state and excited to see what the future brings.

No doubt about it: I'm a lucky guy.

Even Better Than You Imagine

Today's the day!

Current weight 199.6

200 pound barrier broken

107.6 pounds so far

I thought there would be joy and singing and happy dancing all over the place. It's actually a very humbling and somber moment.

Whatever your personal struggle; we all have them. I wish you the very best. If you're personal demon is food and weight issues, I understand.

Start today. Do it for you. It's going to be even better than you imagine.

Stupid Logic

When I weighed in excess of three hundred pounds my main coping mechanism was humor. I used them all:

I’m not fat; I’m short for my weight.

I’m not out of shape; round is a shape.

I’d go to the beach, but Green Peace keeps trying to roll me back into the water.

The list goes on, but it doesn't get any better. Ironically, the pain is the same whether dishing or receiving. When dishing there’s a modicum of control over the situation, but it’s a false sense at best. The truth is; the joke’s not funny.

That was my modus operandi: mask the pain. Mask the pain with a joke. Mask the pain with a meal. Mask the pain with isolation. My life was marked by a series of hiding and avoidance; when backed into a corner or social situation, I was quick with a joke. I’m not going to let you hurt me; only I get to hurt me. What stupid logic.

With every pound lost I am experiencing a sense of de-masking, un-hiding and freedom.

And the jokes are even less funny now.      

Beyond Priceless

104.2 pounds lost so far;

Current weight 203 pounds; 

Ability to bend over and tie my shoes without gasping for breath; 

Beyond priceless!

Happy Place

My weight loss has slowed to a trickle; around a pound per week. I’m creeping up on what for me is the magic threshold: less than two hundred pounds. I’m at a place, weight wise, I haven’t been in years.

And, I’m happy.

Michelle has said many times; the surgeon operated on my stomach but the result was in my mind. I have spent years lurking around the back of the room. I’m in the back row of every picture taken in the past twenty years. Even as my career took off in the late nineties, my personal confidence lagged. It’s easy to be confident in the corner office while hiding behind a big desk and assigned authority, but out in the real world, it’s harder to hide.

Weight issues, which translate into confidence issues, permeated virtually every aspect of my life. Every decision, whether consciously or sub-consciously, was weighed against how I’d look, who I’d meet, were there going to be stairs, how far was parking, where was the nearest exit? The more I slipped into obesity the more withdrawn and antisocial I became. It came to the point where I was perfectly comfortable staying at home. Eating became replacement for virtually all other forms of life experience.

A funny thing happened on the path to significant weight loss; I found myself. It started before surgery when I faced my reality and finally accepted responsibly for my predicament, and has continued every moment since. I am not perfect. I am a work in process, but I’ve reached the place where I can look in the mirror and I am at peace. At this point in my journey, peace is a deeply satisfying place to be. 

Happy Anniversary, Michelle

Twenty years ago today, I married Michelle. It was the best decision I've ever made.

Michelle has stuck with me through some crazy times. We've done it all: richer and poorer, sickness and health, joy and sorrow. Through it all, I've struggled with weight issues. During our lives together, my weight has ranged between a low of 197 to a high of 320. Never once has she said a word about how I looked. She has expressed concern for my health and her frustration towards my unwillingness to face it, but never once about my appearance. Michelle’s love and acceptance of me has been unconditional, whether we had it all or had nothing. Without Michelle’s unconditional love and support, I never would be where I am today.

When I reached the place of decision, Michelle was there. She went to the seminars with me. She read the research with me. When I stressed about the cost and how we’d pay for it, she said just do it and we’d figure it out. Michelle traveled with me and hers was the hand I held until the moment I was rolled into surgery. When I woke after surgery, there were tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. We were going to be OK.

That’s how our lives have been for twenty years; we. We have walked every moment, step by step. Even when temporarily separated by time and travel, we've been in sync, never out of communication. Michelle has been my constant companion and I wouldn't change a moment; not one joy, pain or hurt. All our travels, with every high and low are the road that brought us together and made us who we are.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. It’s been a wild and crazy trip. I excited for the next twenty years and beyond.

Happy Anniversary, Michelle. I love you. 

Going Home

The next three days will be spent collecting our worldly possessions from various storage locations and piecing back together our home.

We are moving!

Since returning from China two and a half years ago, our lives have been in 'transition'. Today be begin the process of settling. Not in the way one settles for blue when their heart is set on purple. We begin to settle as in a place to call our own, a foundation, a place to call home.

It has been an amazing year. I am so grateful; so thankful. After the valley we've trod, this morning the sunshine feels a little brighter, a little warmer.

We're going home.

One Cookie at a Time

My weight loss is snagged on a plateau. I'm trying hard not to get hung-up on pounds lost. Overall health and well-being is a much better score card, but I’m getting close to being less than 200 pounds.

200 pounds is a significant milestone. I know intellectually 200 is just a number, but in my mind it's the threshold back to new life. I remember the struggle and resignation when I crossed 200 going the other way. It was a hard reality to face, but slowly, one bite at a time; it was 210, then 220, then 250 and ultimately 320. No one ever decides to give up, to get fat. It creeps up on you one cookie at a time until one day you are trapped in your circumstance. Worst of all, it becomes normal.

 

I am forever thankful for the opportunity to have Weight Loss Surgery. I cannot overstate the impact it has had in my life. As I approach this next milestone, I can tell you there is going to be a serious happy-dance as I cross this threshold.

In This For Life

I had a good run yesterday. Good, because I'm feeling it today. Each time I go out, I'm a little faster, a little stronger. Monumental change is nice, but slow and consistent is what I'm counting on for the long haul.

Big steps, little steps, forward every day.

I'm in this for life.

Change Is Coming

It appears to me as I struggle to find time for all the important things in my life, that there are too many non-essential activities vying for my time. My life is cluttered. Given that there are only so many heartbeats in a given span, something has to give.

Family time and wife? Nope, Michelle is priority number one. I may not always demonstrate my determination, but I try. Michelle is the best thing that has ever happened to me. In my darkest hours, Michelle stood by my side. She deserves the very best of who I am and what I have to offer. Since I’m not likely to leave much behind, except for the memories and experiences etched in the heart and minds of my children and grandchildren, I’m not willing to sacrifice here either.

Exercise? Not a chance. My physical and mental well being depends upon me finding time to sweat, grunt and grind my way to fitness. I’m not much good for anyone, including me, if I don’t take care of myself.   

Friends and fellowship? Actually, I need to find more time for current friends and to be open to new opportunities and relationships. My days of clamming-up and slipping out the back are over.  

I need more books and less TV. I need more face-to-face and less FaceBook.

I need more quality and less clutter. 

Bring It On, I'm Ready

February is a busy month.

Saturday we celebrated Layla Jane's forth birthday a huge party; food, family and friends. Next Saturday is Hannah's sixth birthday and another party. The third Saturday of the month is a celebration of Julian Charles birth a month ago with another party. And last but certainly not least, is Livia's fifth birthday celebration on the last Saturday of the month. That's four weeks, four grand babies, four parties. That's a full month.

One of the great benefits of significant weight loss is a new found energy and zest for life. I no longer find a chair in the corner somewhere and wait out the activity. I want to be in the middle of the mix. I want to hold the baby and go ahead and point a camera at me, I don't mind, I'll even smile for you.

Yes, February is a busy month. Bring it on, I'm ready.

Did it Work?

I’m a reference for people considering weight loss surgery. Sometimes you can almost hear the desperation in their emails. I understand. I’ve been there. The questions are many and legitimate. Were you concerned? Was it painful? Did it work? Any regrets?

 My answer is yes to all; 102 pounds so far and still losing, although slowly.

 My regret; I wish I’d done it sooner.

 If you or someone you know struggle with weight issues, I understand. I’m available, anytime. I’d be happy to discuss my experience, my results or how weight loss surgery has changed my life.

Completely OK

Sometimes life is deeply satisfying.

This morning as I reflect on the weekend and the moment that is right now, I am fully content with the here and now. This is not like me. For years my life has been a series of journeys; searching for something. Sometimes with purpose; sometimes simply grasping for something more. It has been a long time since I simply rested in the moment and enjoyed the present.

Of all the great things that have come my way since weight loss surgery and significant weight loss, this is the greatest: to simply live in the moment; to accept myself, with all my imperfections and failures, as a work in process.  I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. I am me, a wholly acceptable mess of humanity.

When I hear beautiful music, when I hold my infant grandson, when my granddaughter clings to me like she’ll never let go, when I hear my wife sleeping peacefully next to me in the night, what more could I want? What more could I need?

I am me, and that’s completely OK.

No Plan Is A Bad Plan

I got on the scale this morning. I’m down 101 pounds. 

The last time I was down to this weight was Tuesday, May 19^th 1992.  1992 was the year I ran the Skagit Flats Marathon. 1992 was the year I rode the Apple Cup Century Ride. 1992 I climbed Mt Pilchuck, 93 minutes up, 53 minutes down. Surprisingly, in spite of what my weight and fitness might indicate, 1992 wasn't a great year. I was driven, but for all the wrong reasons. Drive to achieve trumps drive to escape. As is typical, the road to escape rarely leads to where you want to be. It’s one thing to recognize a bad situation and make a deliberate change. It’s another to run without a plan or direction. In 1992, I simply ran. When I couldn't maintain the pace, I found escape through other avenues; mainly food.

No plan is a bad plan.

I have no desire to revisit 1992 or any other milestone in my life, good or bad. I firmly believe my best years are ahead of me. I no longer lament past glories and achievements as monuments of a life gone by. They are simply markers to measure current progress.

I have a plan.

My plan is body, soul and spirit. My plan is wife, family and friends. My plan is eat right, live right and selfish as it sounds, make time for me. Tomorrow my plan is to get up early and go running.

This is going to be a great year!

My Top Ten List

Here's my top ten list of reasons for weight loss surgery:

10. No more Big & Tall clothing stores

9. Getting up in the morning without pain is awesome

8. Not finishing all the food on your plate is not only possible, it’s satisfying

7. Sometimes I take the stairs just because I can

6. Every aspect of daily life is better

5. Donating bags of baggy clothes is good for society and your ego

4. Not being preoccupied with food twenty-four seven frees your mind

3. I don’t have to dream about it, I can live it

2. Being told you look great never gets old

1. Feeling twenty years younger is a very good feeling

True Freedom

True freedom is not the ability to do wrong. True freedom is the strength to do the right thing in the face of temptation.

We all face inner demons. I may not understand addiction to drugs or alcohol, but I know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night because there's an open bag of chips in the house. I know what it's like to lie awake while arguing a loosing battle with myself. I know the shame and self condemnation of getting out of bed at two in the morning to finish a bag of chips, alone in a darkened kitchen. I may not struggle with your temptation, but I understand the despair of a loosing battle.  

I don't know your battle, but I want to encourage you. I want to encourage you to take control of your situation. I want to encourage to you that change is possible. I want to encourage you to find your freedom.

A Great Reward

I ran this afternoon. Each time I go out I get a little faster and a little stronger.

It is pure joy to be able to run again. Of all the changes and improvement to come my way after losing a hundred pounds, being physically active and able is the best. It is what I hoped for. It is what I worked for. It is the reward.

I'm a little sore tonight.

It's a great reward.

A Good Ride Nowhere

Today I'm going to revisit the importance of tunes to an effective and enjoyable workout.

This is brought on, of course, by the failure of the battery in my ancient (by technology standards) ipod to last the duration of my workout this afternoon. Sitting on a spin cycle for an hour without some thumpin' seventies rock to pass the time is roughly akin to a root canal without the happy gas and Novocaine; its just not that much fun. Normally I can pass the time like a machine, but when the music stops, time slows, my mind wanders, and then suddenly, my butt hurts.

It's hard to enjoy a good ride to nowhere when your butt hurts.





   

An Awesome Day

The week started with illness and inactivity and ended with the birth of grandson, Julian Charles. 

Last night was stormy, but this morning is a new day. 

This morning I woke up and started the new day with a new weight. I've lost 99.8 pounds since having weight loss surgery June 20th. I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself. I'm going to celebrate with an epic workout. 

I've come a long way from the morbidly obese man who hid from life, wrapped in insecurity and regret. 

It's raining again. I don't care. I'm going running.  

This is an awesome day.