Much Better; Thank You

I'm back and I'm feeling much better; thank you very much.

I love this time of year. Wind, rain, snow in the mountains, it can only mean one thing; ski season is around the corner.

For years I have skied with a handicap: me. It's hard to tear up the mountain when it takes most of your strength to buckle your boots. Any reserves are used up getting to the chairlift. Muscle memory takes over for a couple of runs and then the body revolts into a quivering mass that dooms any further activity for three to five days. But it's oh so glorious for a run or two.

Not this year. This year I run with the big dogs. Not in the crazy I think I'm twenty-one watch me do this sense; I'm not stupid. I'm not! This year I'm going to ski any slope that calls my name and the day's not over before lunch. This year I'm going to enjoy the experience, not just survive it. And yes, there may be a few stupid watch this moments, but oh is it going to be a glorious time.

This weekend Michelle made me buy a new jacket. In the same way she grew weary of seeing me in saggy-bottom jeans, my old triple XL coat wore out it's welcome. I have a long history of hating clothes shopping. It isn't easy getting me into the men's department, but it's getting easier. In the past I have shopped for what fits. Now I get to shop for what I want. Once I found out I was in a men's large - no X's attached - suddenly the experience was a whole lot more tollerable.

I have a new jacket. Michelle's happy. I'm happy. It's a nearly perfect world.

Until Then, Goodnight

I hate to be a wimp, but I am not feeling well.

It may be the change in weather. It may be a three year old's bug (granddaughter). Whatever it is, it's kicking my behind.

Hopefully a day or two is all I'll need to be back to my usual self. Until then, goodnight.

Back in Business

This morning around the coffee pot one of the guys posed a question: what’s your dream job. Surprisingly, out of the seven guys standing around, not one said this job, but that’s another story. I haven’t been able to shake the question all day. The more I think about it; the more honest I am with myself, the more I realize this isn’t my dream job.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job. A couple of years ago my chosen career dropped us into the abyss, which kind of takes the luster off your dream career.  We went through a really rough time. If it wasn’t for my job, I don’t know where we’d be. My job pays the bills, provides medical coverage and gives me a reason to get up at 5:00 AM – every stinking day. As grateful as I am, my job is just a job. I sit at a desk, do my work and go home. I haven’t had a job, at least not in this sense, since sometime around nineteen eighty eight. 

After some serious thought; here’s my honest answer; my dream job. I would teach skiing in the morning, and play guitar in a blues/rock band at night. During the summer I would run sail charters during the day and play guitar at night. Honest and practical are two different matters. Since very few jobs I know of pay less than skiing, sailing and playing guitar, I think I need to stay where I’m at for awhile.

I told you I was grateful!

All this talk of dream jobs leads me straight to this; Michelle has renewed her real estate license and is back in business. She will be working out of the Keller Williams office in Everett. If you’re in the market to buy or sell a home in our area, she’s the one you need to see.

 

 

Miserable Outside

I don't know what the weather is doing where you live, but here it's raining. Not your typical Pacific Northwest drizzle; it's raining with purpose. It is cold and dark and wet outside, and I'm inside. I should be on my way to workout, but I'm here warm and dry.

I came home to start dinner with every intention to turn around and head out to the gym. Instead, I find myself about as unmotivated as lazy gets. I can think of a hundred and one good reasons why I should workout tonight, and one not so good: I don't want to.

Normally I don't have a problem with motivation. Building upon success is easy. Lose five pounds, you want ten. Lose ten pounds, you want twenty. Tonight I want a bowl of turkey soup and to stay warm and dry. I don't think I'm loosing my edge. It's miserable outside.  

Michelle's Sunday Supper

Michelle decided that with cooler weather and the advent of fall, it was time for a proper Sunday dinner. Tonight's menu included a roast turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, Brussels sprouts, homemade gravy and fresh dinner rolls with butter. As if that weren't enough, a warm pumpkin loaf for desert later this evening. Here's the rub; my weight loss procedure can't tell the difference between every day overeating, and a once in a while special meal. And let me tell you, tonight's was a special meal.

My stomach only holds so much. Doesn't matter if it's leftovers on Tuesdays or one of Michelle's Sunday suppers; I'm only going to get a salad plate sized meal before the pain sets in. Tonight I really wanted to eat more. It was so good.

Now as I sit here and reflect, I realize it is more than food, it is an experience. No surgery can take away the most important elements of Sunday dinner; the smells that fill the house, sharing the table, the first bite.

I could lament missing out on a second scoop of mashed potatoes, but that would be just stupid. Instead, I choose to celebrate. I'll gladly give up a second helping at every Sunday dinner from here to evermore. It's a small price to pay for for something I could never do on my own.

Great Fanfare and a Box of Blue Balloons

Today, with great fanfare and a box of blue helium balloons, we found out our next grandchild will be a grandson. Congratulations Lindsey & Jeremy, it's going to be a boy.


Congratulations Dublin; two sisters, seven girl cousins, and finally a new boy cousin. Proof positive; patience pays.


Congratulations Papa Linn & Grandma Michelle; eleven grandbabies!

I don't Want To Miss A Moment

Sometimes late at night I lie there listening to you breathe. I don’t want to wake you, but I don’t want to miss a moment of our time together. I see the world outside and you are where I want to be. There are so many things I would change, roads taken, decisions made. You; you I love.  

One of my best friends is going through a divorce. Another, his wife is ill with cancer. This summer my brother-in-law passed. My heart breaks with sadness and loss. For all our efforts, much of life is beyond our control. You don’t get to choose the time and place. You can’t force someone to love you. You can only take the pieces before you.

For years I lived in limbo. I allowed life to happen all around me; all the while wishing I was in the game. There were moments. There were highs and lows. There was just enough to fool me into thinking it was enough. What if I fail? Fear paralyzes.

Through it all there is a constant. Even when I wouldn’t believe in myself, you believed in me. I may never see what you see in me, but I am eternally grateful for your unconditional love and support.

I can’t imagine my life without you in it.


 

I Feel Alive

Tomorrow is a major milestone; three months post-surgery.

On June 20, 2013, Michelle & I travelled to Mexico where I received the Vertical Sleeve Gastrostomy (VSG) procedure. It has transformed my life. As of this morning, I am down 76.4 pounds. My waist has gone from a tight 44 to a comfortable 36. And, I continue to lose at reasonable rate of two or three pounds per week. My body is fully recovered. I can eat whatever I want to, just not very much. I find my ‘want to’ has changed. I eat much healthier and have even been known to actually spit something out if I decided it wasn’t worth the calories. I know that sounds gross, but it’s a long way from the kid who finished everything on his plate, and then went looking for more.  

I cannot overstate the positive impact this has had on my life. Michelle has said many times that the surgery was on my stomach, but the effect is in my mind. I feel alive and capable and optimistic like I haven’t felt in years. It’s funny; more people notice and comment on my attitude than on my weight loss.

If you have questions about Weight Loss Surgery or the journey I’m on, please ask. If you know of someone who might benefit from reading my blog, please pass it on. I’m not pushing weight loss surgery; it’s not for everyone. I speak of change. If you’re not happy with your station in life, change it. Problems don’t fix themselves and situations tend to deteriorate rather than improve.

It’s hard; I know it is. The first step is to look in the mirror and face down the truth.

There’s no sense going on. Until step one is accomplished, it’s all just conjecture. It doesn’t matter what people tell you; even those closest to you. It doesn’t even matter what you tell yourself, until you’re ready to be totally, brutally, honest. I used to jest that I was the fittest fat man you’d ever meet. Because of my previous fitness I had core strength and ability beyond my size. It was a hard day when I stared down the guy in the mirror and had to admit he wasn’t the fittest fat man. I was just fat.

That’s how it began. Where it ends, who knows? I can tell you this; the path chosen has exceeded my wildest dreams, and I’ve only just begun.

Very Cool

This morning as I pulled through the gate into Naval Station Everett, I was motioned out of the queue and off to the side.

“Turn off the ignition. Place your keys on the dash, and step out of the car.” said the young lady in riot gear that weighed more than she did.

I was getting random checked.  As soon as my license, registration and insurance paperwork all checked out; no drugs found under the visor or in the console, and no one was found hiding in the trunk, I was free to proceed to the next check point and ultimately on my way out to the pier and my office.

Unlike some, I don’t have a problem with random searches. The way I see it, the folks in uniform have a right to be on edge, and I've got nothing to hide. I don’t feel like my civil liberties were infringed upon and if that’s what it takes to make the world safer, stop me every morning. Besides, it makes for a good story around the coffee maker.

When I finally made it to my office, I fired up my computer and had another surprise. I was cleaning out my junk mail folder when something caught my eye. Right there between the former prince of Nairobi trying to give me a hundred million dollars and an offer for Lady Gaga’s new song, something caught my eye.

     no-reply@nutsforknowledge.com Help me achieve my Girl Scout Goal

I was just about to hit delete, when I stopped.

     Dear Linn Jennings,

     I am participating in…  This is a private link for you…  Orders can be placed by…

I was just about to hit delete, again, when,

     Thank you very much,

     Eireanna

     Troop 40054
     Girl Scouts of Western Washington

What? I’ve been spammed by my six year old granddaughter! I can’t figure out how to load photos on Facebook without asking my wife, but my granddaughter is mass marketing on the internet; very cool.



 

A Time, A Place From Long Ago

Something someone said recently got me thinking; thinking about a time, a place from long ago.

Sometimes I reflect and it seems like it has all passed so quickly, like time is a mirage. I can close my eyes and I’m back at grandma & grandpa’s cabin smelling bacon cooking. I can hear a song on the radio and I’m in the hospital waiting for my daughter to be born. I can look at the stars on a clear night and I’m camped in a meadow three days deep in the Olympic wilderness; sailing on the ocean; standing outside of the lights while skiing at night.  

The mind is a tricky place. Recollections can be comforting. They can be sad. Recently I looked in the mirror with a couple days growth and saw grandpa’s grizzled gray beard staring back at me. It was startling; a stark reminder that where I stand on the timeline of life.

An old family friend used to say youth was wasted on the young. I didn’t understand at the time, although I understand perfectly now. To have the opportunities of youth with the knowledge of experience is the impossible dream. We do the best we can with what we have at the time before us; nothing more, nothing less. There is nothing I can do about yesterday no matter how much I would try. I can only work from this moment on. Regret is only useful when converted to a lesson learned, an experience gained, and a basis for making better informed decision today; if it were only that easy.

I’ve been lucky enough to live a wide and varied life. In spite of honest mistakes and outright stupidity, I’ve come to realize I’m a lucky man. The good far outweighs the bad. I may not be rich in the accountants’ measure, but I have family, friends and experiences that kings can only dream of.

Something someone said got me thinking. It was a bittersweet memory. Not of regret; of sadness and opportunity lost.  

Some may wonder what this has to do with weight loss surgery or the process of losing weight. It has everything to do with the process of learning to live and feel and accept the emotions that course through my veins without turning to food for a buffer. For me, that’s huge.

 

 

  

It Might Have Been Me

Sorry about not posting over the weekend; we were a little busy. Here’s a quick recap:

Friday afternoon we headed towards Bellingham. Made a quick detour to Anacortes for dinner where we ran into former neighbors. After getting caught up on all our old friends and who’s new at the condo, we resumed our journey towards Bellingham.

We arrived in Bellingham in time for Laura & Peter’s last movie night of the year. Several times during summer Laura and Peter show a family friendly movie in their out-door theater, aka backyard. I'm always amazed at the crowd they draw. Around dark people start showing up with blankets, chairs and arms full of snacks. It’s kind of of a candy, chips, popcorn buffet with a show, and it’s always fun.   

Saturday morning we were up early and on the road for Hurricane Ridge. A couple of years ago we stopped buying Mom & Dad stuff for their birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day – they’ve got plenty of stuff - and replaced it with trips, meals out or a combination of the above. The first mini-snag of the day is when we missed the Port Townsend ferry. Someone, it might have been me, didn’t think it was necessary to make a reservation for the ferry. The unplanned break gave us time to walk the dog on the beach and have a look around. The crossing was so foggy you couldn’t see the end of the boat. After a quick stop in Sequim for lunch, we headed up the hill to Hurricane Ridge.

Hurricane Ridge is a Washington State must-see. The views are incredible. You can see the glaciered peaks of the Olympics, turn around and see the Straights of Juan de Fuca, which this day was covered in a fifty foot blanket of fog. We soaked in the sun and the sights. Once you stroll over the ridge out of sight of the parking lot, it about as close as you can come to the deep wilderness without a backpack – except for the people, lots of people.

The return trip involved a near collision – the second mini-snag of the day – when a car ran a stop sign and nearly broadsided us. Fortunately there was no oncoming traffic and once the adrenalin subsided, no foul. The third mini-snag is when we pulled into the Port Townsend ferry queue without a reservation. Someone, it might have been me, didn’t think it would be necessary eastbound. Fortunately, this time it didn’t mean missing the boat. After dinner in Oak Harbor, which included a four-scoop bowl of ice cream for Mom, it was back to Bellingham and time to call it a day. In case you missed it that was a FOUR SCOOP bowl of ice cream for Mom. To be fair, it took Mom, Dad and Michelle to polish off that one.

Sunday morning we got stuck in the I5 mess at the Skagit River Bridge, which added an hour to getting home. By the time we got a week’s worth of groceries and dinner made, it was time to start thinking about the new week. All of which, brings us to Monday and current with the calendar.

One last thought: yesterday for the second time since my surgery, Michelle decided she was done looking at my saggy-butt trousers. Today I am sporting some new jeans; size 36. I haven’t worn a 36 waist since long before I was 36 years old. Along with a new pair of jeans, Michelle made me replace a ratty old sweater I’ve been wearing to work – I’m always cold these days. My new sweater is a XL. Not a double XL, not a triple XL, just a regular XL. Even though Michelle had to twist my arm, I’ve got to admit I’m pretty pleased with my new clothes; especially the size.

As usual, in our relationship Michelle knows best.

 

 

 

And It Feels Good

Now we're talking; warm days, cool nights, blue sky. Western Washington is perfect just enough to keep everyone from moving away. On a day like today everyone is happy. Come back at the end of October and you'll see a who different Washington. A month or two of grey skies and cold drizzle is enough to push people over the edge. And by people, I mean my wife.

Michelle is a So Cal girl, born and raised. Prolonged weather has a way of working on her mood. When we lived in Aberdeen, I had to take her to eastern Washington about ever other week during the summer so she could see the sun. You expect lousy weather on the Washington coast during the winter. Likewise, you look for sunshine in the summer. Looking and finding are two different things in aptly named Greys Harbor.

Of course none of this has anything to do with weight loss. The new has become normal. The two months between making a decision and having surgery seemed like an eternity. It hasn't even been three months since my surgery and it seems like a lifetime ago.

It's funny how quickly the mind grabs onto a new reality.

It's not like the journey is over or I've won the prize. I have a long way to go. On the otherhand, I've seen enough change in a short time to like the direction I'm going. For me, that's a big deal. After years of hiding in the back row, I want to get out and live. When I started, I was after life without limits. I may not be there yet, but I feel the chains a fallin'.

And it feels good.

Hit the Wall

Tonight I had a terrible workout. I'm tired. I feel like I hit the wall. I think my body needs a day or two rest. I'm just not sure my brain is smart enough to give in. We'll find out tomorrow afternoon.

My weight continues to drop about two and a half pounds a week. I'm currently down seventy three pounds and feel like I can continue on this course for awhile. Other than the previously mentioned muscle fatigue, I feel great. I have kept journals most of my adult life and I'm currently at a weight I haven't seen since May 1992 - the year I ran a full marathon and a century ride. My only regret so far is that I waited so long to take control of my obesity. It's the best decision I've made since asking Michelle to marry me.

OK, Try This

OK guys, want a giant dose of humility? Go to the gym with your wife and have her kick your butt. Michelle started working with a personal trainer, and now suddenly I hear things like:

"Seriously, you call that a squat?"

"Come on, come on, two more, you can do it."

"OK, try this."

"Really, you're done?"

And my personal favorite,

"If you're gonna cry, wait until we get to the car."


I exaggerate, but she has shown me muscle groups I didn't know I had. She has me using this devilish device; sort of half a ball with a platform you balance on. Not just balance, but complete different exercises while trying not to fall off. It's a great core workout.


Some of you are are saying, what? Michelle? That's right. My sweet little wife is a monster in the gym. Next time you see her give her a big hug and check out her upper arms. If you're really brave, spend an hour or so in the gym with her.


Did I mention, I'm really proud of her. She's working hard, and she looks great.


 

Carynn Maeve

Sometimes I get too focused weight loss, exercise and nutrition; like somehow it's the key to health and happiness. Health maybe, but happiness and true well being are not measured on a scale or with a tape. True happiness is found in the bonds of family and friends.

Tonight I have a new granddaughter. Carynn Maeve O'Neill, born to Amanda and Ryan, her brother Dublin and sister Audree.

That makes me very happy.

A Fat Silver Fish

I pack my camera with me virtually everywhere I go. It's even more rare that I would be without my phone. This afternoon while Michelle and I were walking on the beach south of Mukilteo. I looked up and not more than fifteen feet in front of me was an otter walking towards the water. We stopped in out tracks and watched him enter the water and with a few quick strokes, he was gone. Michelle and I continued on and commented to each other concerning our good fortune in seeing the otter, but too bad about no camera. We continued walking until the incoming tide cut us off.

Michelle continued to search for beach glass as we walked and talked our way back towards the park. Imagine our shock when we looked up and our old friend the otter was climbing out of the water with a fat silver fish in his teeth. Again we stopped in out tracks and allowed him to scamper up the beach and disappear into the boulders that make up the railroad grade in that area.

I'll probably pack my trusty Canon for years before I stumble upon a such a compelling photo opportunity. Such is life.

Oh well, it was a good walk anyway.

Muscle Memory and Fatigue

What can be better than a run of stormy weather to end summer? I am ready. Don't get me wrong, summer's great. Hiking, biking and sitting at your favorite outdoor cafe are all better in the sunshine. On the other hand, I have a definite heat threshold and it's much lower than most people. By the time the thermometer edges towards the upper seventies, I'm looking for shade. Into the eighties, and I'm looking for air conditioning. By the time we cross into the nineties, I've lost my sense of humor and I'm all done playing. Summer is great, but I'm ready to move on to the next exciting season.

Back to school, turning leaves, the first frost of the year; all sure signs fall is here. I love the feeling of stepping outside on a cold morning and feeling the brisk air on my face. The brace of cold makes me feel alive, whereas heat and humidity cause me to be lethargic. I'm not suggesting one season is better than the other. What I really look forward to is the anticipation of change.

This year I'm looking forward to the change of seasons with a new mind. For the first time in many years I can look forward to climbing Mt Pilchuck in October; when you can stand in the cold air and see forever. This year I'm going to ski. Not like I have in recent years, with muscle memory and fatigue after two or three runs. Not this year. This year I'm going to run with the big dogs.

My life has changed in ways I never dared dream. It's more than just inches and pounds. The weight is coming off my body, mind and soul. This weekend, as we were driving home from an afternoon of fine dining and beach walking, Michelle said, "It feels like we are living again."

My instinct is to dwell on the past and lament the time lost, but I can't. That's the former me. This guy sees changing seasons and the opportunity they bring. This guy sees the love of his life and what a blessing she is. This guy sees just how fortunate he is.

I'm a lucky guy.

Red Drool

We can send a man to the moon. We can send a rover to Mars. We can even turn men into women, and women into men; although I don’t understand why. With all this technology and the ingenuity of mankind, why can’t we make a protein bar that tastes like a Snickers bar? Seriously, is it that hard? We can make watermelons without seeds and coffee without caffeine, again, why? But protein bars taste like sawdust rolled in wax. If we were to come together as a nation, rally ‘round the cause, we could have a nutritious and delicious meal replacement bar in year or less. I know it could be done; who's with me?

 

It's true what they say about Karma. This weekend I took a four pound bucket of red vines to Lindsey's party. Michelle & I are trying to eat healthier and set a better example for our grandchildren, but sometimes grandpa's got to be grandpa. It was great fun watching the 'kids' of all ages chow through four pounds of licorice in very short order. Me, I resisted. I had my own battle going with the chip bowl. I'm not strong enough to fight on two fronts.


Imagine my surprise when a co-worker walked into the office this morning with a four pound tub of red vines. He explained that the night before his wife sat in front of the TV and made herself sick with red vines. At which point, she told him to get them out of the house. His solution, the office.


I spent the whole day looking at red vines. every time I turned around someone had a fist full of licorice and red drool running down his face. I stayed strong. I kept my hand out of the 'cookie' jar and I had a strategy. After shutting down my computer and collecting my things, I grabbed ONE red vine and walked out the door. I slowly ate my ONE red vine and thoroughly enjoyed the forbidden snack. I then got in my car and drove away, with no opportunity for weakness or slip-ups


As I sit here and pat myself on the back for a good strategy and great success, it occurs to me. When I walk into the office tomorrow morning half a bucket worth of red vines will be right where I left them. 


The dance begins anew. 



  

The Rules are so Simple

Wow. What a crazy weekend. Saturday was Lindsey's thirtieth birthday BBQ. Great job by her husband Jeremy, by the way. Sunday was daughter-in-law Ilsa's birthday party. Yesterday Michelle and I spent the afternoon in West Seattle at Alki Beach; lunch at Salty's, walk along the beach and some serious people watching. If you like walking and watching, Alki beach is an awesome location.

Now in the present, I'm reaping the rewards of stupidity. Tonight we has some things to do after work and didn't get to dinner until after seven. I pulled up to a small plate of pasta and wolfed it down. Big mistake; pasta lands in my stomach like a brick. Rule number one; eat slowly. Rule number two; eat slowly. Rule number three; hey stupid, eat slowly and allow your brain to register fullness.

Unbelievable. The rules are so simple.