Here We Go, Again

I’m a big guy.

I come from sturdy stock and I like to eat. Happy! Let’s eat. Sad, let’s eat. Birthday, holiday, special occasion, let’s eat. See the pattern? I was raised on the firm belief that there is no problem that can’t be solved by the quick application of a cookie. I am quite certain my grandmothers never considered they were instilling in me a deep-seeded pattern of over eating; they were simply showering me with love; even if it was wrapped in chocolate and rolled in nuts.

I’m no longer five years old. I’m now responsible for my own eating habits. That’s where the problem lies. I’m weak. I’m like a junkie when it comes to sweet and savory. Drugs and drink hold no sway with me. Place a bowl of chips and a side of clam dip on the counter and I’ll feel the earth move. Open a Snickers bar in the middle night and I’ll wake from a sound sleep. When it comes to snacking, I’m kind of a savant.

I am the classic American yo-yo dieter. In my adult life I have weighed as much as three hundred thirty pounds and as little as one forty five; although only for about twelve hours in my early twenties. I’ve always been able to loose weight. I’m better at gaining weight, but I’ve always been able to loose it. As I get older, it’s getting harder to loose and easier to gain weight. I attribute this to bad knees, bad back and loss of motivation. It’s hard to be motivated when a big night out becomes a bowl of popcorn and the sofa.

So here I am; fifty something and just shy of three hundred pounds. Do I give up? Should I take a cheeseburger in each hand and put one foot in the grave? No! I want to be around to see my grandbabies graduate and marry. I want to choose stairs when the elevator is right there. I want to walk by the big and tall shop to buy my cloths off the rack. There are things I want to do and places I want to see before the inevitable. I’ve reached the place in my personal journey where how I finish depends upon the decisions I make today. I choose life.

Here we go, again.

Broken Clouds and Life in General

This morning as I look out at broken clouds and life in general, I can’t help but reflect. Like a mirror, I don’t always like what I see. I can be angry and frustrated or I can be hurt and hide. Is life what it is or is life what you make it? Am I a victim of circumstance or do I hold the power of self-improvement and change? I have always believed life is what you make of it. It’s a great philosophy when you’re riding high. However, in my current situation it implies I have a personal responsibility for where I’m at and how I got here. It’s true, sometimes things beyond our control happen and we are left picking up the pieces. But, what have I done with the pieces? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know I need to square my shoulders and take it on the chin. There’s nothing behind me that can help me now. The future is forward and I am determined to forge ahead. I have spent enough time in the mountains to know the peaks are preceded by tough climbs and hard work. It seems everything in life of true worth is.

Looking for a Tangible Sign

This has been a difficult year; the failure of a dream, a business, our home in Anacortes; moving to China for a position that was not as promised; my continued struggles with health and weight and being comfortable with being me. It has not been an easy year. Nor do I see any tangible signs the good times are returning. Yet, somehow, enough is enough. Since returning from China in June, I have done my level best to crawl under a rock and remain there. Not wanting to face life or the world, I have stopped writing and every form of social interaction I can get away from. My self imposed exile has done nothing to improve my mood or situation. I am still over-qualified and un-employed. I remain over-fed and under exercised. I have time to walk and listen, play guitar and write, but I do not. Sometimes I cling to my wife like she’s the last life-ring on a sinking ship, which is grossly unfair. She tries her best to understand and soldiers on, but she really needs me to be the strong one; to be the man she married. So, somehow, enough is enough. For years I have written, preached and believed life is what you make of it; easy enough when you’re rolling in the good times. Now it’s time to for the preacher to be preached and apply the lesson. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. There are things in life that are simply beyond our control. Learning and acceptance are two different concepts. This blog is about my journey towards that end. I am: Linn Living Large.