This Is Going To Be Good

Although blogging is new for me, I've been writing weekly since 2001.

My career has moved us often. It started with a Christmas letter and turned into a weekly address to stay connected with family and friends. I published a weekly letter until we returned from China in June 2011. At that point my writing became very sporadic, linked mainly to the few highs in my life, but mostly long silent lows. Although I didn't recognize it at the time, I had entered a long slide into depression. Feeling crushed by life and circumstance, I took pleasure and solace in food and started to shut out life around me.



Sunday, April 7,2013. I have made a decision: I will have weight loss surgery.



Five little words: I have made a decision. It can also read: I will take control. It also means: I assume responsibility. And certainly in my case: enough is enough.The six words that follow are meaningless without the first five. The decision is the foundation of my life transformed.

This morning as I looked through years of my own words I was struct by the constant tension and struggle to reconcile the person I'd become with the person I'd been against the person I wanted to be. Like a muddy river flowing through my life, my weight was a constant reminder of abandoned dreams and failure. Not that my life was all desperation; I have a wonderful wife and family. In many respects my life is full and rich beyond measure. Still there was always an undercurrent swirling around me. Sometimes in the distance; sometimes nearly drowning me.

For the first time in many years I can look at the new year with eager anticipation. I no longer lament the past peaks and glories never to be relived, but look forward to life without limits. The life I've dreamed of for so long is now my reality. For the past six months I've focused on weight loss. It has been an incredible experience, but weight loss surgery is just a tool to get me where I want to be. My goal all along has not been smaller jeans, but life without limits. It's time to go outside and live.

This is going to be good!

Necessary & Productive

I've got big plans for the New Year.

Significant weight loss is only of my post surgery plan. The big plans; the plan for the New Year; the plan from the beginning has always been life without limits.

Today I got an early start. Today I went for a run; 4.1 miles at a leisurely pace. Not far, not fast, but enough to see if all the moving parts are moving in sync. So far, so good. My knees appear to have borne the burden with no undue wear. No aspirin. No ice. Nice.

Tomorrow, after a morning workout, my day is given over to shopping for jeans at Coldwater Creek (for Michelle) and returning Christmas decorations to storage in Anacortes. A little more pedestrian than today, but necessary and productive.

The Second Half of My First Year

It's a post Christmas miracle; I'm in a women's large!

Don't ask how I know, just believe me when I tell you it's true.

No, I'm not a cross-dresser. This morning Michelle was going through her clothes and found a sweater too big for her shrinking frame; nice problem. She jokingly tossed it to me and asked if it would fit. Before she could say just kidding, I'd slipped it on to find it fit better than most the clothes in my closet. That's how I know a woman's large fits just right.

Christmas was crazy busy and wonderful. I missed a few days from my blog, but now I'm back. I am really excited about the coming year, and the second half of my first year post weight loss surgery. I am looking forward to the future in a way I haven't in years. I am optimistic and excited and ready to move forward.

On with the New Year!

Not Even Close

As I approach the first big goal of my weight loss surgery – I’m down 97 pounds and closing in on 100 – I am puzzled by the question/response I frequently hear: How much weight are you going to lose? And, you don’t want to lose too much?

I understand the first question. I’m curious too. My quick response is as much as I can. I have a number in mind, but my body will make the decision on its own. My eating patterns have stabilized and at some point my body’s metabolic equation (food/exercise/excess/loss) will stabilize as well. It will happen naturally. My days of dieting in the traditional sense are over. Diets didn't work before. I see no reason that forced acts of deprivation, which can’t be maintained, would work for me now.  

The second part, you don’t want to lose too much has me somewhat baffled. This morning I weighed two hundred ten pounds, a long way from skin & bones by anyone’s standard. If someone is dealing with cancer no one ever says don’t take too much, it’s always did the doctor get it all? Concerning weight loss and my health, I want to get it all. I've lived life fat and I didn't like it. Forgive me if I error the other way this time.

If I woke up tomorrow and my weight loss stopped; 97 pounds, that’s it. I’d be OK. My life has improved so much in every aspect. I couldn't have guessed the emotional and spiritual wellness that has come with significant weight loss. I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it, but I’m living it. I’m loving it. My goal is to ride this wave until my feet hit the sand and turn around and watch the sun set. I don’t know how much is too much concerning my weight loss, but I know I’m not there yet. I’m not even close.

One Happy Camper

I've reached a milestone in my weight loss journey. Here are a few quick facts:

• 180 days since weight loss surgery
• 94.2 pounds lost so far
• 34" inches lost
• One happy camper who would do it all over again.

Like I said, one happy camper!

It's All Good

Weight loss surgery and significant weight loss isn't all fun and games. Here are a few things I have to deal with on a daily basis.

It used to be everything in my closet was too small. Not any more, virtually every stitch of clothing I own is too big. Michelle says I look like a kid wearing dad’s clothes. I refuse to buy new clothes every ten pounds only to have them not fit in a few weeks. When I hit (and hold) my goal weight, I’ll buy a whole new wardrobe. Until then, my clothes are a mismatched hit-or-miss mess; and they’re too big too.

I used to be a time management expert. I’d make a mental list, check it twice and then tackle stairs like they were the north face of Everest. If I was going to expend the energy necessary for a flight of stairs, I was going to make darn sure I maximized my effort. Now, I run up and down the stairs all willy-nilly. Forget something; so what; I’ll just run back up the stairs like they’re nothing at all. Sometimes I run up and down the stairs for no reason; just because I can. What a waste of time. 

When you’re as big as a water bound mammal (political correctness at work), just suiting up and walking to the pool is a workout. Likewise, I used to break into a sweat just hefting myself up onto an exercise cycle. Now I actually have to swim, peddle or push to get a workout. Sometimes it takes an hour or more. That’s time that doesn't grow on trees.

I used to eat. I used to eat a lot. Some people will say they don’t understand why they’re big because they don’t eat that much. I know why I was big, I ate everything I could chew and swallow.  I was an emotional eater. Get happy; eat. Get sad; eat. Get bored; eat. Celebrate; eat, eat, eat. Eating as much as I did is a big commitment in both time and money. It takes more than a few quick stops for burgers and fries to weigh 320 pounds. It takes commitment, tenacity and a significant investment. Maybe I’ll use that time and money to go shopping for new clothes; just not yet.I joke. 

Actually, that was my home run swing pre-surgery. I'd make a joke and then hide in the back row. It was never funny and I always felt exposed, how ironic. 

Weight loss surgery has changed my life in ways I never could have imagined; all of them good.

It's all good!            

That's It, Done.

Epic workout tonight; spin cycle, rowing machine, and a little quality time in the hot tub. Then home for a late dinner and this day is done.

That's it. Done.

Happy Camper

It's said a picture's worth a thousand words. What do you think?


Me, December 28th, 2012













Me, last Friday.

Can you find the happy camper?


Ninety four pounds and moving forward every day.

What Have I Learned?

I messed up this weekend. It was bound to happen. After all, I am merely human.

Sunday we had a big family dinner; a full blown Thanksgiving style turkey dinner with all the fixings. Before dinner, coincidentally timed to start with the Seahawk’s game, were an assortment of chips, dips and other snacks to tide us over until the main meal. I’d like to say I stuck to my plan. I’d like to, but I can’t.

Here’s the problem: for the first time in 186 days I did not log every bite I ate in my calorie app. 

I logged my breakfast. I logged the cereal bar I ate on the way to church. Once we were home and the snacks started appearing, I stopped. I had good intentions. I thought, I’ll have a few chips and then log what I ate. WRONG. I ate a few chips. Then I ate a few more. Then I ate dinner; a very small and reasonable meal I might add. Then I had a piece of apple pie and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. When the evening was over and my bloated stomach was nagging me, I thought I should log my intake. Log what? I had long since lost track of how many chips, dip, shrimp and other nibbles and bits I ate. I knew what I ate for dinner. I could figure the pie and ice cream, but all the nibbles and bits? There’s no entry in my food app for, hey stupid, you ate too much!

This morning I woke up with a chip hang-over. I remember these from the old days. I’m pretty in-tune with my body and I know the effects of too much sodium, i.e. salty chips. Today I’m back on the wagon. The protocol of the day: flush, water in, water out, repeat.

What have I learned?

To say I am merely human is too easy; a cop-out. Weight loss surgery is a tool not a cure. No procedure can overcome human nature. I have the tools. I could go back to my old ways and compound failure with self-pity and then more failure. I could, but I wont. 

I have a good plan. No one can execute the plan but me. I know this. For 185 days I have claimed success. I refuse to allow one bad day to sabotage the rest of my life. I have come too far and gain so much that I refuse to look back. My life is in front of me, not behind me. Yesterday’s gone; today is a new opportunity for success.

Simple math tells me my success rate so far is 99.5% (185/186=99.46) I’ll take that and keep marching forward. 

An Amazing Day

Today was an amazing day.

It started with Me, Michelle, Michelle's sister Yvonne, daughter Lindsey Marie and seven granddaughters. Our first stop was a tailgate picnic in the Denny Street parking structure across from McCaw Hall. Grandma Michelle made a pretty fancy spread for a parking garage picnic.

Next was the afternoon performance of the Nutcracker, which was actually quite awesome. After the Nutcracker was a trip to Starbucks for hot chocolate and then on to ice skating at the Seattle Center. I haven't ice skated in years and I'm going to pay for it tomorrow, but totally worth it. After ice skating was dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory; not exactly fine dining, but perfect for seven hungry little girls.





Today was an amazing day. The hope of days like today are what prompted me to have weight loss surgery. Without surgery there would have been no ice skating; at least not for me. To be in the middle of the activity, instead of watching from the outside, is amazing. This is what I've been looking for; working towards; dreaming of for a very long time.



Today was an amazing day.

Moving In The Right Direction

I started this journey not knowing what to expect. Now nearly twenty four weeks post surgery I'm down 93 pounds and still surprised each day.

One of the biggest surprises is the the distance this blog travels. In recent weeks I've logged viewers from Russia, China, Korea, Germany, Great Britain, France and Mexico. I am amazed at the range of the Internet. I'd really like to have a glimpse of the people and places my writing reaches. I appreciate all the comments I receive. If you're 'out there', I'd love to hear from you.    

My weight loss has slowed to a crawl, but I am confident I'll be moving in the right direction soon. I've doubled-down on my workouts, which may explain the slow weight loss: muscle is heavier than fat. Tonight was lap swim and then the spin cycle. Home for a light salmon dinner and I'm done.

Tomorrow's a new day. I can't wait to see what's next.

 

My Lucky Day

Thanksgiving weekend comes to a close.

This weekend was marked by a traditional family feast on Thursday, a trip to Leavenworth WA on Friday, our first annual non-traditional weekend after Thanksgiving Lasagna fest Saturday and today, a surprisingly quiet day. Michelle and her sister felt it was necessary to go to the mall this afternoon, I on the other hand was quite content to be nowhere near the mall.

The highlight of my weekend was a couple of hours with oldest granddaughter, Genesis. She went to Anacortes with me to retrieve Christmas decorations from our storage unit. Along the way we talked about some of our favorite books. I remembered back to her age and the first time I read Dove by Robin Graham; the youngest solo sailor to circumnavigate the world at sixteen. I knew there was a used book store in Anacortes, so on a whim we went looking for the book Dove. Not only did they have a copy, it was hardcover and on sale for half price; my lucky day.

My good fortune was to spend the afternoon with my granddaughter. The evening with seven of my granddaughters and the weekend surrounded by family.

Like I said, I'm a lucky guy.