I need something epic in my life.

I tired of waiting for someday. Not to invoke pop culture, but Lennon’s quote: life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans, is ringing true in my life. Everything is a contingency; I can’t climb mountains because I’m not in shape. We don’t know where to live because we don’t know where I might find work. I can’t get in shape because I can’t afford the club membership because I’m not working.

I struggle to make sense of it all. I’ve always been the make-a-plan guy; write it down, check it off, next. I’ve never been afraid to take life on the chin, to go all-in on my life’s dreams. Now just getting through the day with hope for next week taxes my faith in self and humanity.

This week was that hardest I faced in a long time. Sometimes something happens that you can’t fathom no matter how many times you roll it over in your head. This morning as the shock fades and clarity slips back into my mind, I know I have choice. I can give up or I can go big.

I haven’t got it figured out yet, but another week of sitting and waiting is another hole in my soul. There are only so many some-days in life, and I don’t want to be sitting on the curb when roll is called.

I choose to go big.

Silly Little Made-up Songs

This morning as Miss Hannah (four years old) sat in my lap and sang her silly little made-up songs, I realize she hadn’t a clue as to the struggles and trials I’ve been through this year. She doesn’t care whether my weight is up or down, the status of my career, our any of the other cares constantly ringing in my mind. As she sat in my lap and sang me her silly little tunes, I realized I am only one thing to her; grandpa, and that’s enough. I don’t need to dress to impress or write the perfect line; the simple act of being present and listening is all I need do. No judgment, no condemnation, no cruel world; in her mind I’m all I need be. And suddenly, for the first time in a long time, I was truly content and comfortable with who and where I am. I am grandpa, and today that’s all I need be.

Fresh Air is Better

It was windy and cold on the Meadowdale Beach Trail this morning; worth every step.

Absolutely Neurotic

The weather here has been completely neurotic: rain, snow and this afternoon, absolutely beautiful. Here’s twenty four hours in our neighborhood.

That Wasn't Too Bad

I haven’t posted in several weeks. I don’t really have an excuse. I’m simply more comfortable with dispatches from the mountaintops than I am sharing from the valleys of life. So, in the interest of what I originally set out to do, here are a few highlights from the past several weeks.

First, 254 targeted applications and resume submissions, four interviews, and still looking. Frustrating, yes; ready to throw in the towel, no!

I’m down twenty three pounds and exercising regularly. I’ve discovered it doesn’t matter if you are running, cycling or just walking around the block; the hardest part is getting up, tying your shoe laces and shutting the door behind you.

After years of allowing food to rule my life, I am learning to just say no. I refuse to diet. I have enough history with diets to know how that is going to end. I do try to make a conscience decision every time I open my mouth. Do I want this? Do I need this? Is this worth eating right now? I have good days and bad days; the key is to end up with more good days.

Sometimes, the grind of life as it is right now gets me down. If I didn’t have the memory of peaks, and the hope of regaining new heights, I might be defeated.

As it is, I’ll ride out the storm. I have health. I have family. I haven’t missed a single meal or slept one night in the street. And, I have my wife.

Michelle is my rock and never ending source of support, encouragement, and when necessary, prodding. Not incidentally, she regularly serves as editor and art director for my writing and photography. If you like what you see, she probably had a hand in it. To those familiar with my writing, you might think Michelle would try to rein me in. Not so, she is constantly challenging me to push beyond myself and comfort zone – even when my story lines include her, if you know what I mean.

Like physical exercise, the hardest part of writing this was making the decision.

That wasn’t too bad.

Thanks, Michelle

Hint of Spring

A hint of Spring here in Western Washington