Stupid Logic

When I weighed in excess of three hundred pounds my main coping mechanism was humor. I used them all:

I’m not fat; I’m short for my weight.

I’m not out of shape; round is a shape.

I’d go to the beach, but Green Peace keeps trying to roll me back into the water.

The list goes on, but it doesn't get any better. Ironically, the pain is the same whether dishing or receiving. When dishing there’s a modicum of control over the situation, but it’s a false sense at best. The truth is; the joke’s not funny.

That was my modus operandi: mask the pain. Mask the pain with a joke. Mask the pain with a meal. Mask the pain with isolation. My life was marked by a series of hiding and avoidance; when backed into a corner or social situation, I was quick with a joke. I’m not going to let you hurt me; only I get to hurt me. What stupid logic.

With every pound lost I am experiencing a sense of de-masking, un-hiding and freedom.

And the jokes are even less funny now.      

Beyond Priceless

104.2 pounds lost so far;

Current weight 203 pounds; 

Ability to bend over and tie my shoes without gasping for breath; 

Beyond priceless!

Happy Place

My weight loss has slowed to a trickle; around a pound per week. I’m creeping up on what for me is the magic threshold: less than two hundred pounds. I’m at a place, weight wise, I haven’t been in years.

And, I’m happy.

Michelle has said many times; the surgeon operated on my stomach but the result was in my mind. I have spent years lurking around the back of the room. I’m in the back row of every picture taken in the past twenty years. Even as my career took off in the late nineties, my personal confidence lagged. It’s easy to be confident in the corner office while hiding behind a big desk and assigned authority, but out in the real world, it’s harder to hide.

Weight issues, which translate into confidence issues, permeated virtually every aspect of my life. Every decision, whether consciously or sub-consciously, was weighed against how I’d look, who I’d meet, were there going to be stairs, how far was parking, where was the nearest exit? The more I slipped into obesity the more withdrawn and antisocial I became. It came to the point where I was perfectly comfortable staying at home. Eating became replacement for virtually all other forms of life experience.

A funny thing happened on the path to significant weight loss; I found myself. It started before surgery when I faced my reality and finally accepted responsibly for my predicament, and has continued every moment since. I am not perfect. I am a work in process, but I’ve reached the place where I can look in the mirror and I am at peace. At this point in my journey, peace is a deeply satisfying place to be. 

Happy Anniversary, Michelle

Twenty years ago today, I married Michelle. It was the best decision I've ever made.

Michelle has stuck with me through some crazy times. We've done it all: richer and poorer, sickness and health, joy and sorrow. Through it all, I've struggled with weight issues. During our lives together, my weight has ranged between a low of 197 to a high of 320. Never once has she said a word about how I looked. She has expressed concern for my health and her frustration towards my unwillingness to face it, but never once about my appearance. Michelle’s love and acceptance of me has been unconditional, whether we had it all or had nothing. Without Michelle’s unconditional love and support, I never would be where I am today.

When I reached the place of decision, Michelle was there. She went to the seminars with me. She read the research with me. When I stressed about the cost and how we’d pay for it, she said just do it and we’d figure it out. Michelle traveled with me and hers was the hand I held until the moment I was rolled into surgery. When I woke after surgery, there were tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. We were going to be OK.

That’s how our lives have been for twenty years; we. We have walked every moment, step by step. Even when temporarily separated by time and travel, we've been in sync, never out of communication. Michelle has been my constant companion and I wouldn't change a moment; not one joy, pain or hurt. All our travels, with every high and low are the road that brought us together and made us who we are.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. It’s been a wild and crazy trip. I excited for the next twenty years and beyond.

Happy Anniversary, Michelle. I love you. 

Going Home

The next three days will be spent collecting our worldly possessions from various storage locations and piecing back together our home.

We are moving!

Since returning from China two and a half years ago, our lives have been in 'transition'. Today be begin the process of settling. Not in the way one settles for blue when their heart is set on purple. We begin to settle as in a place to call our own, a foundation, a place to call home.

It has been an amazing year. I am so grateful; so thankful. After the valley we've trod, this morning the sunshine feels a little brighter, a little warmer.

We're going home.

One Cookie at a Time

My weight loss is snagged on a plateau. I'm trying hard not to get hung-up on pounds lost. Overall health and well-being is a much better score card, but I’m getting close to being less than 200 pounds.

200 pounds is a significant milestone. I know intellectually 200 is just a number, but in my mind it's the threshold back to new life. I remember the struggle and resignation when I crossed 200 going the other way. It was a hard reality to face, but slowly, one bite at a time; it was 210, then 220, then 250 and ultimately 320. No one ever decides to give up, to get fat. It creeps up on you one cookie at a time until one day you are trapped in your circumstance. Worst of all, it becomes normal.

 

I am forever thankful for the opportunity to have Weight Loss Surgery. I cannot overstate the impact it has had in my life. As I approach this next milestone, I can tell you there is going to be a serious happy-dance as I cross this threshold.

In This For Life

I had a good run yesterday. Good, because I'm feeling it today. Each time I go out, I'm a little faster, a little stronger. Monumental change is nice, but slow and consistent is what I'm counting on for the long haul.

Big steps, little steps, forward every day.

I'm in this for life.

Change Is Coming

It appears to me as I struggle to find time for all the important things in my life, that there are too many non-essential activities vying for my time. My life is cluttered. Given that there are only so many heartbeats in a given span, something has to give.

Family time and wife? Nope, Michelle is priority number one. I may not always demonstrate my determination, but I try. Michelle is the best thing that has ever happened to me. In my darkest hours, Michelle stood by my side. She deserves the very best of who I am and what I have to offer. Since I’m not likely to leave much behind, except for the memories and experiences etched in the heart and minds of my children and grandchildren, I’m not willing to sacrifice here either.

Exercise? Not a chance. My physical and mental well being depends upon me finding time to sweat, grunt and grind my way to fitness. I’m not much good for anyone, including me, if I don’t take care of myself.   

Friends and fellowship? Actually, I need to find more time for current friends and to be open to new opportunities and relationships. My days of clamming-up and slipping out the back are over.  

I need more books and less TV. I need more face-to-face and less FaceBook.

I need more quality and less clutter. 

Bring It On, I'm Ready

February is a busy month.

Saturday we celebrated Layla Jane's forth birthday a huge party; food, family and friends. Next Saturday is Hannah's sixth birthday and another party. The third Saturday of the month is a celebration of Julian Charles birth a month ago with another party. And last but certainly not least, is Livia's fifth birthday celebration on the last Saturday of the month. That's four weeks, four grand babies, four parties. That's a full month.

One of the great benefits of significant weight loss is a new found energy and zest for life. I no longer find a chair in the corner somewhere and wait out the activity. I want to be in the middle of the mix. I want to hold the baby and go ahead and point a camera at me, I don't mind, I'll even smile for you.

Yes, February is a busy month. Bring it on, I'm ready.